Good; Bad; Ugly

Well let's get some of the bad and ugly out of the way. First, my apologies for the tardiness of my posting efforts. I am overwhelmed and more than a little hermit-like right now. In truth, I have not been doing well. I was just denied visitation last weekend with Christopher and it was really rough. It wasn't a full denial in that I could have had a few hours--two meals and about two hours--if I'd driven down to Santa Fe. But with so much to be done in Denver, I had to weigh it out and the joy of the brief time just couldn't completely justify the twelve hour drive and travel costs. Very, very hard choice. I've had a lot of those recently.

And I've been burning the candle a bit too brightly at both ends. I have been working full-time during the days and taking bar review classes for the Colorado Bar exam evenings. And I've been trying to keep up with the custody battle and visitation skirmishes as well. I've stayed so tired that I've not been doing much working-out even. My poor triathlon team. I'm going to have to make it up to them somehow...

Bevin is again not paying the mortgage and the fear of losing my home and substantial investment in it is very stressful. I truly do not understand his financial negligence when financial planning is now his career and I especially don't understand how he is in such a financial mess when he is earning more than four times what I earn. I pay the mortgage amount to him each month as per our lease, but he then squanders the money and leaves the mortgage unpaid. It is incomprehensible. Unless, of course, it is purposeful. For a long time, I have avoided such "assumptions," but I am in a more realistic place now. Oddly, it is not depressing. It feels like this willingness to accept the bad and ugly is a first step to making beneficial change.

Bevin is also being incredibly draconian about scheduling for the Summer. Christopher doesn't have ordinary school, so one might think Bevin would ease up and give me more time with him. No. Instead, Bevin is working to pack Christopher's schedule with camp and soccer and such so that Bevin can tell me that Christopher is too busy for visits with me. Lately, Bevin says he is irritated by my "many" 5-10 minute phone and Skype calls with Christopher (which I try to get in most days). It is nothing short of insane. I want Christopher to have fun activities and to develop friendships. All of that is great. Certainly. But our having time together and maintaining our relationship is fundamental to Christopher's psychological and emotional well-being. I stay so very upset that Bevin does not care about what he is doing to Christopher. Christopher is just some collateral damage to him. It's disgusting that the Court and so many others are unable to see Bevin's actions for what they are and Bevin for who he is. What can I say, though? He has a lot of superficial charm and I fell for it too. I fell hard. It has taken me 6 years and more pain than I want to admit to see through that pretty facade of his.

Bevin has begun dating one of Christopher's teachers. I quite liked this teacher when I met her so that much is positive. I'm only upset with Christopher's discussion about how she is to be his "Mom." Christopher says that Bevin and the teacher are getting married and are going to have a lot of babies. Truly, I think that's great if that's what they both want. I don't wish Bevin ill. I really just want nothing from or to do with Bevin. I want all our financial and other entanglements dissolved. And I must have my son back. I will not be written out of my baby boy's life. Quite the opposite. I will never rest until Christopher is back home. Once that happens, I will somehow support a continued relationship between Christopher and Bevin. I want as much stability and love as I can get for Christopher--from wherever I can get it. He is being horribly damaged by all of this. He is showing a lot of signs of "wear" from this battle. It is so wrong. I stay so hurt and frustrated that I cannot protect him from it. I will forever blame myself for ever trusting Bevin and believing his lies so that he could hurt my baby like this.

Hope. I have moved to a place of starting to admit and accept how emotionally abusive Bevin was to me. Many friends were concerned for me and made comments at the time, but I was blinded by the naive love and false hope I had then. Now, I am beginning to see more clearly. I see the lies. I see the scheming. I see the vicious circles I dutifully ran. I see the cyclical drama I so easily got drawin into. But, because I'm finally starting to see clearly, I see real hope for today too. I know my chances with this court aren't positive, so I'm looking ahead into appeal. And I know this Court is unlikely to enforce on the lease/mortgage or credit card fraud issues so I'm looking into criminal and civil charges there. I realize that it's solely up to me to seek out justice and I think I'm ready to do the work to make it happen. It's bootstrap time. And I have to do this work for Christopher. One day soon, we will have a normal and stabile life again; the life we are meant to have.