NM Visit-OCT 3rd Wknd

I got to see Christopher this past weekend. It felt horribly short but we fit in fun together and even got some snuggle time.

We did some labyrinth walking, some hiking and went to a birthday party. Christopher is really pretty amazing with labyrinths and mazes. The new one this weekend was on Museum Hill in Santa Fe. It had cool acoustics.

We did a bit of hiking near Museum Hill and also on Chimisa Trail in Santa Fe. Of course, Christopher had to bring back a few rocks! He is quite the rockhound already.

And the birthday party was held at the Santa Fe Children's Museum. It was a lot of fun and Christopher became entranced with one particular exhibit that let the kids build a path for a ball to roll. It used his maze skills and let him experience gravity too!

And he is dealing better with girlfriend rejection too. His girlfriend in Santa Fe was busy with everyone at the party and told him, "You're not my only friend. You don't understand." He didn't have the breakdown he had with Saffron, but just took it in stride and played with the exhibits on his own a bit more.

Right now he is obsessed with the movie, "Sky High" and so we spent a lot of time role-playing some of the scenes using Batman figurines. We watched some movies and played a couple of board games too. At the end of our time together, he didn't want me to drop him off but he still handled it really very well.

THANK YOUs!

I owe some THANK YOUs to several folks and apologize for my tardiness!

Talila

Tammy

Nicholas

The group fundraiser in Arizona over the Summer

And last, but very much not least, I want to give special THANKS for ed who has been so generous and has been mailing a contribution each and every month. I am grateful for his uplifting words and continued support!

If I have missed thanking anyone here, please, please do let me know. The least I can do is show my appreciation here!

Donations

I owe a few more THANK YOUs here! There were some donations in August that I need to give detail on and will do so soon. I am truly humbled by the help I have gotten in this battle for Christopher.

I am feeling hopeful for the appeal. There are about to be several costs associated with it--the transcript of the hearing, filing fees and retaining the appeals attorney. Also, visitation costs are mounting. If any of you out there are willing to donate, it is certainly a very good time!

However, I also want to be clear that for those who already have, just THANK YOU! Some of you have given donations more than once and I am already eternally in your debt and not asking you for more!!!

I am hugely appreciative of every person who has been willing to donate even $5. It has all kept the litigation going up to this point and I am incredibly thankful. Every single dollar is helpful and I am unspeakably grateful to have a community of friends who care about us and have been willing to give in these hard times.

Looking toward...NM Visit-OCT 3rd Wknd

I'll get to see Christoph for just about 60 hours this coming weekend. I wish it ever felt like enough time. I look forward to it and think about him constantly for the two weeks between visits, but once I am with him I feel nauseous with the countdown to good-bye. I hate my life. I hate that my son's childhood can now never be the wonderful, magickal time I wanted for him. I couldn't stop my baby being taken away. I'm a failure as a mother.

Denver Visit-OCT 1st Wknd

Christopher arrived in Denver Friday afternoon at 2:30. I picked him up at DIA. I also gave Bevin a ride to the Budget truck rental place. Christopher left crying Monday at 3pm. I wanted to die.

I hope to add more here later.

NM Visit-SEP 3rd Wknd

I got to pick up Christopher at 1:30 from pre-school on Friday and dropped him off at Bevin's office Monday at 3pm.

I hope to add more detail here later.

NM Visit-SEP 1st Wknd

I was able to visit Christopher in Santa Fe this past weekend. Bevin even allowed me to have an extra overnight with him for which I'm really very grateful.

We had a good bit of downtime together, attended the 400th Anniversary of Santa Fe Festival which had some really nice kids activities and also went for a hike. It's the trail Christopher found his walking stick on and so we looked and found me one this weekend too.

His emotional and behavioral issues are getting worse. I'm powerless to help or get him help.

I miss him so much and feel the full weight of the disservice done him. There is no hell worse that not being able to stop your baby from being hurt.

I might add more here later.

Trial 8.31 & 9.1

I'm still pretty emotional over it all, but I know I need to give the results of the final custody trial. Bevin has primary custody; full decision-making. I pay $730/mo child support. I pay half his atty fees, which comes to $25k. Restricted phone calls (Sun/Tue/Thu) and visitation on 1st and 3rd weekends.

I will appeal. I won't give up. I will never give up my son. This is wrong, wrong, wrong for him and I know that in my heart of hearts as only a mother can know. I cannot do any legal work on the case right now, however. I tried last week and just fell apart. I need to focus on getting through each day in between visits with Christopher.

So much of what happened and was said still seems surreal and any shred of belief in justice I still had is entirely gone. The Courts really let him get away with it all and Bevin seems like a monster beyond belief. But now we simply must to find some way to co-parent and do so as civilly as possible for as long as necessary for Christoph. Christopher has to remain the focus and we just need to have tunnel vision as much as humanly possible. Please pray for us all.

Thank you for everyone's help, phone calls, Email, willingness to testify, donations, thoughts, prayers, etc. I appreciate it more than I can ever fully convey. It's not over, but this chapter is closed.

FL Trip!

It seemed that Christoph's favorite parts of Florida were family & friends, Disney, the beach and so very many swimming pools!

We had a fabulous time with (in order of appearance without repeats!): Jake, Gram, Grandma Eleanor and Grandpa Gene, Ms. Clara, Sherri & Chuck (and kiddos), Lisa M, Uncle Randy, Uncle Joey, Uncle Paul, Cousin Payton, Aunt Carol, Lisa F, Aunt Robin, Cousin Emily, Cousin Julia, Cousin Chucky, Kathleen, Cousin Nikki and Cousin Ryan, not to mention all the critters!

The day at Disney was beautiful weather and lots of rides! It was Christopher, me, Paul and Payton and we packed a TON into the day. Christopher went to Pirates of the Caribbean, the Haunted Mansion, The Disney Railroad, Country Bear Jamboree, It's a Small World, Grand Prix, Dumbo, The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh, Mickey's PhilHarMagic, two playgrounds and pictures with Chip & Dale, Pooh & Tigger, and Mickey & Minnie! Both kiddos left more than tired!

The beach we hit was absolutely ideal. We went to Ft. DeSoto on the Gulf with Paul, Carol and Payton. We found a pic-nic table in the shade about 15-20 feet from the waves. It was so fab that we were able to stay for most of the day. Christopher did some tummy surfing and learned that the salt water burns your eyes, but it goes away after a bit. I got a little sunburned, but Christopher didn't get a bit. (It's easier to see that he's covered!)

We got to visit with friends Sherri, Chuck, Lisa and Jake. It was great to get to catch up. And Lisa got a new little doggie out of the visit! Christopher loved Chuck's pool and had so much fun playing (and showering!) with the "Brady Bunch" kids!

Christopher told me he was never leaving Florida, but we did have to leave. It was 9 days, but felt so short and went so quickly. I wish we'd have had even more time with all of you there!

Next stop, Disney World!

So...this week I drive down and pick Christopher up in Santa Fe around 1pm on Wednesday. Then we drive back to Denver in time for dinner Wednesday night and then are off to Florida on a morning flight Thursday!

Christopher is so excited. He wants to see Grandpa Gene and Grandma Eleanor (who may really not want to be called that anymore...). He is also super-excited about his cousins. He has six cousins and I hope we'll have a chance to see them all on this visit since we missed a few last time. And, of course, he has been beside himself talking about Disney. I think we may be taking a lot of photos with the characters this round at the Magic Kingdom! Yay, Uncle Paul!

Santa Fe visit August 7-10

After getting in a few hours at work, I headed South and picked Christopher up around 5pm. We ended up staying at school for another half an hour because his water bottle and lunchbox were both lost. Fortunately, much searching did find them!

Saturday, we were up early and off to Christopher's last soccer game. I hope I can post a picture of him in his uniform--too cute. But he doesn't seem to have much interest at all in soccer itself. Still, it's something he enjoys socially.

For dinner, we went to a fun place called the Body Cafe and we had the best veggie burger ever. Really! Christopher and I split a veggie burger, which was huge and a salad and we each had smoothies too. Really yummy. And we spent some time checking out all the Body Cafe has to offer--which is a lot more than food! Yoga, drop-in child care, clothing, massage and maybe more.

Sunday, we got up early and went for a hike. We did a bit of the Chamisa trail, but in the opposite direction of how we've done it in the past. Christopher was really scared by the grade and the slopes off the side of the trail. It wasn't dangerous, but he is experiencing a significant fear of heights recently. I have a bit of that myself! We took it slow and we talked a lot about being careful and about hiking safety. We had a breakfast pic-nic. And we didn't go too far either. Our pic-nic included the ever-favorite soy jerky and a new flavor of freeze-dried ice cream--cookies and cream sandwich. Going back down the trail seemed to feel a lot better for Christopher. When we finished our hike, we went in search of the cold stream we'd visited a few months ago. To our surprise, it had only been a Winter melt stream and was completely dry!

We met some other hikers and got to chatting about the hike and such. They wanted info on the Body Cafe and we gave them a serious thumbs up. One of the parents had cycled to their hike and we talked about that--and their bike trailer that is like Christopher's. Christopher was crazy about their son, Eli. After hanging out for about a half hour, we found out they live in Boulder! Christoph was so excited. He told them, "I live in Colorado too! You can come to my house." One of the parents plays in the orchestra for the Opera in Santa Fe so they were just there for the season. Fun stuff.

Then Christopher and I headed to the O'Keeffe Museum. We had brunch at the O'Keeffe Cafe. I got a mediocre fritatta, but Christopher chose wisely and had really fab blue corn pancakes, which he wanted me to taste. Yummy. Then we toured the museum. He loved it. We read the name of every work. In fact, Christoph has a favorite he saw and I'm trying to find him a print for his bedroom. It's harder to find O'Keeffe prints than you might think!

We had an early dinner at a place with computers and wi-fi and Christopher and I tried to learn a new Batman game after we had looked at some O'Keeffe work online. Then Christopher and Johnnie worked on Christopher's hiking staff. Christoph found it on a hike a few months back. I sawed off the little branches and padded the "handle." Now Johnnie is giving him some of Roadie's shedded lizard skin as a decoration. It's looking quite nice!

Monday morning I took Christopher to school with a big lunch, including tomatoes from our plants at home and an olive assortment from Whole Foods. He was excited about all he packed for lunch and snacks. But he got really sad and resisted going to school, staying at school. He said he wanted to come home with me. It's so hard to work against those arguments when I'd like nothing better. He asked if I didn't want him to come live in Colorado. I assured him that I do want that, but that this is the way it has to be right now. And I did my Santa Fe cheerleader bit. He seemed better by the time I left, but it wrecked me. I did a good job of holding it in until outside, though. That is sometime a battle, but it's hugely important.

Christopher is showing signs of wear and conflict. I think and hope, though, that Bevin and I will be able to agree to him seeing counselors in CO and NM. He needs some help dealing with all the emotion and confusion this situation necessarily brings up. It is sad to be talking about putting a 4 year old into therapy, but this is what we've done to him and we need to help him handle where he is as best as it can be handled.

Denver Visit July 24-27

Just to catch up, I'll post a bit about this weekend and come back to fill in more detail:

Friday was a big day of driving. I drove up on Thursday, but couldn't pick Christoph up until Friday morning. We left at a reasonable time and had a fun drive. We stopped to read all about El Huerfano, a point of geological interest. It's now our favorite part of the trip! And Christopher is pretty fascinated with homesteading from what we've read about the area. There is a detour into Walsenburg and, going through town, we found Christopher a brand new bike. It's a little bigger so is just perfect. We even got home in time for him to get in a little riding.

Saturday morning while out working in the garden, Christopher made two new friends, Zarius and Ronny, Jr. Later, he made another friend, Xavier. While playing poor little Ronny got stung by a yellow jacket. We put baking soda on it. He was a trooper.

On Sunday, we had a morning play date with Keller that was lots of fun. I may be able to even get some pictures from Kari for that!

Then we got a little dressed up and went to the Buell Theatre (Christopher's second time at the theatre, but he was quite young for the 1st one!) We went for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and it was just wonderful. Very well done. Immediately afterward, Christopher said he wanted to got meet the actors. He got some autographs and sang to a few of the actors, but didn't get to meet the children so was a little let down.

Monday morning we had a play date with Saffron at a really cool playground with a huge sea serpent sculpture. It emitted mists of water and was covered in paintings.

Then we had to get ready to hit the road. We didn't have time to stop to chat with El Huerfano, but gave him a greeting as we passed. As I took Christopher to Bevin's house and explained that I was about to drive back to Denver, Christopher asked, "Why are you leaving without me?" Inside, it was an unspeakable question with no answer, but outside I had to jump into my Santa Fe cheerleading. I sometime get so caught up in just enjoying every moment when I'm with Christopher that I can actually forget the big picture of exactly what's happening and how unnatural and wrong it is. Unfortunately, it hits like a ton of bricks once I have to leave him or when he says something like that...

I continue to hope, pray and live for the "one day..." when life will be set aright and I'll have my baby back home.

Computer Disaster

Since this is the main tool I use to keep up with so many friends, I need to give you an update of a different sort. My computer's hard drive had a sudden serious corruption. The Mac geniuses said that's pretty common that it come out of nowhere and there is no reason for it--it just happens (!)

Anyway, I may or may not recover ANY data and am pretty sad about it. Of course, it's absolutely my fault since I have no back-ups... And I do know that there is no good excuse for that failing. But, I now have almost no pictures--yes, I may have lost my pix of Christoph from birth to the present. I'm kicking myself nearly hourly for that one.

Other than that, I have lost all files, historical and current. I have lost my address book, my court documents, etc. And I have almost no Email addresses either. Additionally, I cannot now access any other Email account other than my gmail account (CHNsMom@gmail.com).

I apologize, but please, please send me your Email addresses and snail mail addresses. I am still trying to recover the data. I am getting "timemachine" and I am getting an external hard drive and I know I'm remiss for not having done so sooner but I'm doing it now!

So, my friends, if you are in a "putting out fires" mode like I have been, please don't let this go like I did. The fire from this is much too big, I promise! And if I can save some of you from repeating my mistake, YAY!

Comparison Fun

Here are some pix showing Christopher and me...fun and silly comparisons!

This was watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and eating popcorn.

Christopher was enjoying a dress from school and I found this old shot of me with my Grandma's dog, Penny...double take, huh?!

Christopher's July 10-13 visit in Santa Fe, NM

It was a really great visit! I drove down to Santa Fe in Jerry (thanks to John & Melissa and, BTW, that's the name Christopher gave their Jetta!) and got there around 1pm Friday. That gave me a bit of time to hang out with D'Marie before picking Christopher up from school. He was so excited to see me and told everyone proudly, "This is my mommy!"

Saturday, I took Christopher to a soccer game his team "the dinosaurs" had. It was so incredibly HOT and sunny. No shade at

all. Christopher didn't want to play much,

but I urged him to get out there a bit and I got a few pix. He mostly wanted to sit in my shadow "shade" and drink his water we brought.

After lunch, we did a little walking around downtown and found a toy car, a Volkswagen Beatle--HERBIE! It's not white, though. Actually it's covered in roses and sunflowers. But he picked it out and he loves it. Herbie, the love bug, is a huge favorite right now.

Then we went to the Cathedral Basilica and walked the labyrinth, which he was dying to do. I carried him in the Ergo for the long-ish walk and that is getting hard to do! Then we stopped by our favorite chocolate shop for some goodies. Sitting under a tree, I asked him, "What do you think; do you like Santa Fe?" He said, "You, I like." I almost cried. It was so sweet. Unexpected too. I had expected to have a discussion of what he liked and didn't like in town. He's just like that. He comes up with the most wonderful and touching things--just naturally and out of the blue.

Sunday, we hiked the Borrego Trail all the way to the stream. It was quite far for a 4 year old! I was amazed at his tenacity. We had snacks along the way several times and stopped at the stream for a long time, snacking and playing in the water.

Then on the way back, he said he was tired. He wanted me to carry him. I agreed to do so for a bit. He said, "Here's the deal. You carry me to the car and I'll walk into the car." I told him that I could only carry him for awhile, but then he'd have to walk some because he's getting too heavy for Mommy to carry for long distances--especially since I already had a pack on. He said ok, but promptly fell asleep! Yikes. It was about a mile back and was mostly uphill. I stopped to rest for a few minutes once and managed a picture of my passed out little man. So cute. So gone. I managed to get him in the car and then he woke up and was immediately Mr. Chatty!

We then had a great indulgence. We took a soak at 10,000 Waves. It is truly an oasis. One of these times I WILL get a photo of Christopher in his little kimono. The most I got was a shot of him kissing the little Buddha statue. He said that would make him "come alive." The koi ponds also hold his fascination. He loves to point out all the fish colors. And, during the foot soak, he prefers the lemon water, while I prefer the cucumber.

When I woke Christopher up for school Monday morning, the first thing he said was, "Is this our last day?" And started crying. Those are painful times, but I work hard to focus him on the positive and help him find things to look forward to in NM. What grief I feel is nothing compared to what overcomes me and pushes me to scramble to "make it better" somehow when he is sad.

Intervening Factors

I apologize for taking so long to post. There have been some very unfavorable rulings in the case and that has been both upsetting and confusing.

I have also been dealing with a good deal of harassment from Bevin. He is making threats regarding some of what I have written here. Everything I have written is true to the best of my knowledge and I hope Bevin can see that. I realize that I am incredibly emotional right now and perhaps I should not use the language I have at times. Still, my intent is not to harm Bevin's reputation. To clarify, my intent in this blog is to update my family and friends who are mostly long-distance as to how the custody battle is proceeding and how Christopher and I are coping through all of it.

Back to language:

The words "kidnapping" and "stealing" may be imprecise because what Bevin has done to Christopher is court-sanctioned, even if based on lies and prejudicial mud slinging. So his ripping Christopher away from his mommy and his home and all he knows in Colorado is, thus far, legal even if it feels criminal.

The word "fraud" that I have used with regard to the unauthorized charges Bevin placed on my credit cards may also be imprecise, but that will be up to a court to decide. In February of 2008, Bevin agreed to pay off the $20k balance by Summer 2008. A plain reading indicates that paying off that amount does not include putting on additional charges, especially not for personal expenses. Yet, Bevin did put such charges on my cards without my knowledge or approval. He says he knew it was wrong but had intended to pay it off before I discovered it. He was an authorized user on the cards because he had been put on them while we were partners and he needed to retain such authorization to deal directly with the companies for repayment. Obviously, it was still a costly, stupid blunder on my part. Bevin agreed this past April to aggressively pay down the credit card debt, but so far has only been willing to make minimum payments. I worry about it all the time, but I continue to hope Bevin will uphold this last agreement.

The Court has given Bevin nearly full control over Christopher's life and will likely be given even more at the final hearing. Therefore, at every turn, Bevin is able to threaten to take away communication; take away visitation. We agreed on several trips and Bevin has already chosen to make them very difficult for me. I get bitter. I get angry. Mostly I just cry. This is not the life I wanted for my son. He deserves so much better.

But I also have to say that I am willing to work within this framework. I am willing to do whatever I have to do to see my baby. I will drive 12 hours in one day. I will spend money I don't really have on travel costs. Whatever it takes, I will do it. And I am grateful that Bevin has not taken away everything. There are moments of perhaps compassion. Bevin has not taken away Christopher's trip to Florida to see his grandparents in August. Christopher is excited to see family, the beaches and Disney. His grandparents, Unlces, Aunts and cousins are just excited to see him!

I don't know Bevin anymore and that's really ok. I remain very grateful that he is willing to allow Christopher to enjoy some time with his mama who loves and misses him with all she is. I don't hope that Bevin feels sorry for me. I only hope he thinks enough of his mother to understand that Christopher needs me. Maybe that means I'm groveling. So be it. Whatever I have to do for Christopher is well worth it. So thank you, Bevin, for what you do allow. I appreciate each and every golden moment I have with Christopher. Christopher is the most beautiful soul I have ever met and I am indeed blessed.

4th of July

Happy 4th! How odd that we celebrate the beginning of our country which came by war ("rocket's red glare, bombs bursting in air...") with something of a reenactment. If you close your eyes, it does sound like a war zone!

Went to a family/community BBQ and saw friends; got some nice hugs. Watched fireworks from the back of the Blazer (the car Christopher calls, Basil). Kept thinking about how he likes the way fireworks look, but finds the sounds frightening. We had a great New Year's display that he enjoyed in downtown Denver. It was early and short and we brought blankets and yummy hot chocolate. Last night was warmer (though not a lot!) and later. And the fireworks were ok, but felt lacking. Missed him a lot last night.

As a parting gift

On Monday, Bevin told me that in retribution for me writing to his father, that he had sent a letter to my parents with pornographic photos of me and other sundry graphic information.

How can I continue to be shocked by him? He has stolen my son. He is trying to ruin me financially by fraudulently running up my credit cards and defaulting on the mortgage so I lose my home and all my down payment money. Now he's trying to take my family away--my loving family that accepted him even when his own family turned their back on him. Classy.

I did write to his father. I have tried every avenue I can think of to get anyone and everyone to see the the wrong of the situation. Bevin's family was never friendly toward me. Bygones. I hoped for the best for all of them and still do. I hope the entire family is reunited one day. I said that to his father. I most certainly said nothing untoward to his father. I only ask that since they have never wanted me, why do they want my son? Why can't they all just help Bevin move on and leave my son out of his revenge. Just let Christopher come home. This is unnatural and wrong and it's hurting an innocent child.

End of June visit details...

Christoph arrived tired, dirty and with some super stinky feet! The first thing we did was wash those feet AND shoes...well, after some hugs and squeezes and kisses! Oh, so good to get to hold my boy!

Thursday, Christopher and Gwen finished the bat house they built last time by painting it black to attract warm sunshine which the bats apparently love. Later we did some shopping, including some mall play time with about 50 kids! The thing Christopher wanted the most was a double jogging stroller so I could push him and Saffron--now THAT would be a work-out! Christopher got to open a huge, belated birthday present--a Harley Davidson scooter from Uncle Skip! He loves it and it makes all sorts of cool noises and has flashing lights. And he loves the box!

Friday morning, Christoph had a long play date with Saffron at the end of which I was told he could never leave! He fell asleep on the way home and napped for about an hour at home! In the late afternoon, he had another play date, this time with Keller. They gave Blasto a run for his money. And in the evening, Christopher got to Skype with Papa Tim, just before Papa Tim's birthday--hope he likes his b'day card half as much as Christopher did!

Saturday was adventure day. We got up, had poached eggs and then headed to the Argo Mine for a tour, including going in a real gold mine and gold mill, followed by panning for gold and gemstones. Hammy just adores his gemstones--he may be even more of a rockhound than me! Then we had BBQ lunch in Evergreen with apple fritters for dessert. And on to Idaho Springs Hot Springs, which was so, so, so much fun! We didn't want to leave. But we had to get home as Grandma Mo was coming over for dinner and a sleep-over!

Sunday started with blueberry pancakes with G'Mo and lots of play time in the back yard, including some scooter fun. Then we headed over to Shannon's birthday party. It was a fab crowd. Christopher got to deal with some new situations. It was difficult sharing Saffron and being told that she didn't want to play with him, but he came back from tears several times. And had a chance to play with some boys, including showcasing his not-quite-there catching ability and very-there (!) throwing ability with a baseball. And, in the end, he certainly had a good bit of play with Saffron too.

Monday, we headed out for a short hike around a local wetland/watershed area. It was crazy hot. We drank lots of water and ate our snacks. We got to see a red-winged black bird and some ducks--not sure what kind. Last we were there, we saw deer, but not this time. We also read a bit about the importance of the yucca plant--historically and currently. We came home, showered and got ready to head to see Dr. Dean, Christopher's pediatrician. Christoph is at 60th percentile for both height/weight and got 20/20 on the eye exam. He had little to report himself except that some kids at his new school are mean to him. All in all, his health was deemed great--thanks, Dr. Dean!

Then he had to go with Bevin. He did well. I got some super, tight hugs and gave him a little pep talk. I held it together until he was safely in the car and then cried and cursed my way to work. One day this WILL turn around! It has to!

Christopher in Denver as June ends!

Christopher got here at about 9:30pm last Wednesday.  It has been just wonderful.  I'll come back and add more of what fun times we've had.  Right now it's hard to type at all.  He's sleeping and our last hours together of this visit are slipping by.

Tomorrow he must go back to NM with Bevin and I feel nauseous about it.  How is this really our life?  No one who knows me or begins with any objectivity understands this.  Every day Christopher is away is harder than the last.  I can only recommit daily to never giving up this battle to bring my son home.  I will go down any road that presents itself as hopeful in this dark night.  I am a mother with nothing to lose and only my child to gain.

Not really bad or ugly but DIFFICULT

Had to make some hard decisions this week.  One of the big ones was about how much I've been trying to get done each week.  Getting up at 5:30am and to bed at 11pm and still not getting the minimums done each day has been taking its toll.  The Colorado Bar Exam.  I need to be able to give the preparation more actual time and more mental energy than I simply can right now. Therefore, I am deferring until February.  Will life be easy then?  Likely not.  But it will surely be better than right now.  So, in February, I will have a laptop to take the exam and I will be fully prepared.  Then I can move forward with my legal career and making a better life for my son, Christopher.

The last difficulty is really just a laughable one.  I ran up Mt. Evans yesterday.  Yup.  It was absolutely grueling.  I felt like quitting in the first quarter mile.  It began at 10,000 feet and ended at 14,000 feet.  It was 14.5 miles long.  At the start is was in the 50s, but by then end it was 20 degrees, 20 mph winds, snow and visibility of about 5-10 feet.  The bits of me that hurt the most were my hands.  I thought I just might lose use of some fingers.  And the altitude was nauseating, disorienting, painful.  

All in all it was entirely insane to have done, but there are some interesting aspects to it.  It was allegorical.  A lot of people quit.  500 started and less than 300 finished.  I could have quit. That would have been logical.  I wasn't really in shape for it (whatever that might entail and mean!)  I wasn't doing well.  I was hurting a lot.  I was having altitude issues.  I was miserably cold.  I questioned my own sanity.  But quit?  I was alone most of the ascent.  I did a lot of talking to myself.  I created a mental and physical system to get through.  I also simply decided that I would not quit.  Why quit?  Defeat and failure on Mt. Evans would have meant little, but allegorically it meant a lot.  It meant more than a lot.  It was good to push my own sense of capability.  Physically, it made no sense.  Mentally, this was something I needed.  Something a lot of people need.  I hope others can achieve it more painlessly, though!

The Good

So the hope and the inspiration to take control of my life and turn things around for Christopher are the beginning of the good. And I'm willing to commit to trying to post more here to keep everyone updated on what is happening with Christopher and the custody battle developments.

Some short other fun news: The Summer garden is going well this year. We have tomatoes, basil, peppers, potatoes, zucchini, cucumbers, spaghetti squash, musk melon and butternut squash. Christopher is especially excited about the tiny, yellow pear tomatoes. There has been a ton of rain and the poppies were gorgeous and the roses are making a super recovery from the dry Winter!

The biggest recent good news is that there was a really fabulous fundraiser in New York! I sooo wish I could have been there. Not only was money raised to help in my fight to keep Christopher, but it sounds like it was a lot of fun too! I cannot thank and applaud Sabrina enough for her work on it. WOW is the best word to describe it.

So THANK YOUs are in order:
Sabrina
Annette
Morgan
Raven

Roze

Margaret

Amanda

Olivia

Coko

Ronda

Precious

Veve & Twiggy

M

Charles

Rita

TES

Deb

N

Velvet

Kim

And perhaps others whose names I don't yet have!

As I have said many times before... This is a dark time, but it is not without its bright, silver lining. I have been blessed with a lot of love and wonderful friendships in my life. And I have been astounded how many have written, have called, have donated money, have prayed, lit candles, and more!

Good; Bad; Ugly

Well let's get some of the bad and ugly out of the way. First, my apologies for the tardiness of my posting efforts. I am overwhelmed and more than a little hermit-like right now. In truth, I have not been doing well. I was just denied visitation last weekend with Christopher and it was really rough. It wasn't a full denial in that I could have had a few hours--two meals and about two hours--if I'd driven down to Santa Fe. But with so much to be done in Denver, I had to weigh it out and the joy of the brief time just couldn't completely justify the twelve hour drive and travel costs. Very, very hard choice. I've had a lot of those recently.

And I've been burning the candle a bit too brightly at both ends. I have been working full-time during the days and taking bar review classes for the Colorado Bar exam evenings. And I've been trying to keep up with the custody battle and visitation skirmishes as well. I've stayed so tired that I've not been doing much working-out even. My poor triathlon team. I'm going to have to make it up to them somehow...

Bevin is again not paying the mortgage and the fear of losing my home and substantial investment in it is very stressful. I truly do not understand his financial negligence when financial planning is now his career and I especially don't understand how he is in such a financial mess when he is earning more than four times what I earn. I pay the mortgage amount to him each month as per our lease, but he then squanders the money and leaves the mortgage unpaid. It is incomprehensible. Unless, of course, it is purposeful. For a long time, I have avoided such "assumptions," but I am in a more realistic place now. Oddly, it is not depressing. It feels like this willingness to accept the bad and ugly is a first step to making beneficial change.

Bevin is also being incredibly draconian about scheduling for the Summer. Christopher doesn't have ordinary school, so one might think Bevin would ease up and give me more time with him. No. Instead, Bevin is working to pack Christopher's schedule with camp and soccer and such so that Bevin can tell me that Christopher is too busy for visits with me. Lately, Bevin says he is irritated by my "many" 5-10 minute phone and Skype calls with Christopher (which I try to get in most days). It is nothing short of insane. I want Christopher to have fun activities and to develop friendships. All of that is great. Certainly. But our having time together and maintaining our relationship is fundamental to Christopher's psychological and emotional well-being. I stay so very upset that Bevin does not care about what he is doing to Christopher. Christopher is just some collateral damage to him. It's disgusting that the Court and so many others are unable to see Bevin's actions for what they are and Bevin for who he is. What can I say, though? He has a lot of superficial charm and I fell for it too. I fell hard. It has taken me 6 years and more pain than I want to admit to see through that pretty facade of his.

Bevin has begun dating one of Christopher's teachers. I quite liked this teacher when I met her so that much is positive. I'm only upset with Christopher's discussion about how she is to be his "Mom." Christopher says that Bevin and the teacher are getting married and are going to have a lot of babies. Truly, I think that's great if that's what they both want. I don't wish Bevin ill. I really just want nothing from or to do with Bevin. I want all our financial and other entanglements dissolved. And I must have my son back. I will not be written out of my baby boy's life. Quite the opposite. I will never rest until Christopher is back home. Once that happens, I will somehow support a continued relationship between Christopher and Bevin. I want as much stability and love as I can get for Christopher--from wherever I can get it. He is being horribly damaged by all of this. He is showing a lot of signs of "wear" from this battle. It is so wrong. I stay so hurt and frustrated that I cannot protect him from it. I will forever blame myself for ever trusting Bevin and believing his lies so that he could hurt my baby like this.

Hope. I have moved to a place of starting to admit and accept how emotionally abusive Bevin was to me. Many friends were concerned for me and made comments at the time, but I was blinded by the naive love and false hope I had then. Now, I am beginning to see more clearly. I see the lies. I see the scheming. I see the vicious circles I dutifully ran. I see the cyclical drama I so easily got drawin into. But, because I'm finally starting to see clearly, I see real hope for today too. I know my chances with this court aren't positive, so I'm looking ahead into appeal. And I know this Court is unlikely to enforce on the lease/mortgage or credit card fraud issues so I'm looking into criminal and civil charges there. I realize that it's solely up to me to seek out justice and I think I'm ready to do the work to make it happen. It's bootstrap time. And I have to do this work for Christopher. One day soon, we will have a normal and stabile life again; the life we are meant to have.

2nd Half of Christopher's May/June Denver Visit

During this week with Christopher I took the week off from Bar review classes so that I could have every evening with him. I had some of the day too as I headed in to work super early so I could leave early.

Check out Mt. Everest in his sandbox!

Here's some of what happened during the week:

We babysat Saffron and had a half sleep-over. The next morning Christopher was really sad that she wasn't here, though! Christopher had a fun play date with Keller and just missed seeing Fiona too. He had some rainy day time for playing board games with G'Mo and also got to take a field trip with her to an art project store. He made frisbees for

himself and Saffron and some cool sand creatures. Christopher got to see some totem poles and dinosaurs at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science and also built a bat house with Gwen. And, on his last full day here, we had dinner and a big play date with Saffron and Shannon.

Christopher and Saffron talked about getting

married--what they'd wear and the baby they'd have!

Saturday morning Christopher wanted to just stay home for a quiet morning together before heading to the airport. Heading to the airport was, indeed, uncomfortable. Bevin had come in earlier and been downtown and missed the shuttle back to the airport so I drove him to the airport. Christoph fell asleep so we drove in silence. It seemed pointless to say, "No," but was surreal. How did we get to where we are? Who is Bevin anyway? Did he ever only have a relationship with me to steal my child? Why is the Court letting him do it? All of that plus the fact that I imminently had to let him take my baby away once again rolled around in my head and I cried some on the way and all the way home.

Christopher is in Denver this week!

Just wanted to post that Christopher is getting to spend this week with me. He was so excited to see me at the airport yesterday, it was nearly overwhelming (for both of us!) at first. Now he seems to have settled into just having fun.

Yesterday (Saturday), we did some gardening and yard work. Christopher put the support cages on the tomatoes. And he played in the yard on his slide, scooter and with his birthday RC car while the lawn got mowed and the vegetable beds got worked and ready for this year's planting. The compost even got used in the bed that seems to have spontaneously sprouted up potatoes for the second year in a row... The spinach is and has been growing happily. Now I just need to find some basil, rosemary, peppers and have my zucchini and cucumbers and other squash/melons sprout up. Christoph is most excited by tomatoes and zucchini so those get beds all to themselves.

It was the first lunch of the Summer on the back porch and we had hot dogs. Later, Grandma Mo visited and hunted roly-polies with Christopher during some of the more serious yard work phases. Then Christopher, me, Gwen and G'Mo had a yummy dinner. Gwen made grilled chicken and grilled zucchini. I think Christopher ate like 3 zucchinis himself! After dinner, we played Sorry and Christopher won handily, but perhaps only because Gwen withdrew due to Christopher breaking his nose-picking deal with her...

Today (Sunday), Christopher slept in a bit and then we had blueberry pancakes (clearly a household fave if you hadn't noticed!) before heading up to Ft. Collins for a walk in old town/historic downtown and a big lunch followed by ice cream. Then further North and West to Shambala Mountain Center. I've been wanting to go there since before moving to Colorado! There is some gorgeous land on the way and certainly there. Once there, we hiked to The Great Stupa.

I'd never seen a Stupa. It was fantastic--even if it did rain on us a bit going. In the Stupa, we lit some incense, made the bowls sing and looked at all the pictures and decorations. It's definitely beautiful and peaceful. Christopher said, "I never want to go out of this place." He just loved the huge Buddha there.

And the pomegranate seeds on the floor was such a creative touch (Christoph's favorite!) Afterward, we went to the visitor center to see the video explaining how it was built and had some hot herbal tea (which was perfect since we were still a bit damp and chilly). Christopher was still whispering at the visitor center and on down the path too for some time.

Critters: We helped a worm cross the road on the way up. Back to the car, we saw about 7 mule deer, a rabbit, many birds, a chipmunk and closer in to the Center, two cats. At the gift shop, we got some Great Stupa prayer flags for the house and a coloring book. Then on the way back to Denver, I finally got to stop at Johnson's Corner for some cinnamon rolls! We really had a day of being tourists in Colorado--a staycation!

Had a great Memorial Day Weekend!

Didn't get a photo of it, but Christopher loved the labyrinth in Santa Fe at the Cathedral Basilica of St. Francis. It's a replica of the one in Chartes and he did it twice by himself! The first time he lead and I followed and the second time was just him while I watched. He is great at mazes.

We'll have to get him into a corn maze in the Fall! That was part of our Saturday adventure, which also included a little tour of the Basilica and then learning about poppies, snails and having some really fabulous chocolate--Christopher chose a mushroom that was the best one!

We had yummy breakfast on Sunday with Dana and Spencer (didn't get

any photos there either :<), but did get some shots on some downtown

rocks!

And we got to hang out with D'Marie and Johnnie a good bit too--who were such gracious hosts that they gave up their bedroom!

Christopher picked out some beads from the hemp shop

and we strung an "Om" necklace on Sunday afternoon.

Plus, we got in hikes on two separate trails--the Borrego Trail and, again,

the Chamisa Trail. The Borrego Trail was more shaded and got a bit chilly for him since it was early morning, but he did find a hiking staff that

he wants to decorate (thanks to Johnnie!) And we had a Memorial Day pic-nic just off the Chamisa Trail that included granola bars, fruit, popcorn, jerky, oj, water and astronaut ice cream. Then we did some plant-identifying and even picked a tiny bit of mullein.

46.5 hours, but it surely went fast! When we talked about him coming to Denver in less than a week, he asked me if he was coming to stay in Colorado "forever." If I hadn't been so shocked by the question, I would have been more saddened by it. But I just quickly explained that it would be for a week and that it would be a fun time.

Several people have asked me what Christopher thinks is going on. That's a hard question to answer. There's not really a way to painlessly explain the truth of the situation. So, I have stuck very closely to the logistics of each step along the way in discussing it with him. A "big picture" would only confuse him and it's actually pretty unknown. The reason he's going back and forth is too ugly to impose on him. And I do actively try to hide my own feelings from him. As he has his own feelings or concerns, though, I just try to talk about them with him and be accepting of wherever he is and give him as much comfort as I can. It's hard. I can promise him little right now even though I still want to promise him the world...