Good; Bad; Ugly

Well let's get some of the bad and ugly out of the way. First, my apologies for the tardiness of my posting efforts. I am overwhelmed and more than a little hermit-like right now. In truth, I have not been doing well. I was just denied visitation last weekend with Christopher and it was really rough. It wasn't a full denial in that I could have had a few hours--two meals and about two hours--if I'd driven down to Santa Fe. But with so much to be done in Denver, I had to weigh it out and the joy of the brief time just couldn't completely justify the twelve hour drive and travel costs. Very, very hard choice. I've had a lot of those recently.

And I've been burning the candle a bit too brightly at both ends. I have been working full-time during the days and taking bar review classes for the Colorado Bar exam evenings. And I've been trying to keep up with the custody battle and visitation skirmishes as well. I've stayed so tired that I've not been doing much working-out even. My poor triathlon team. I'm going to have to make it up to them somehow...

Bevin is again not paying the mortgage and the fear of losing my home and substantial investment in it is very stressful. I truly do not understand his financial negligence when financial planning is now his career and I especially don't understand how he is in such a financial mess when he is earning more than four times what I earn. I pay the mortgage amount to him each month as per our lease, but he then squanders the money and leaves the mortgage unpaid. It is incomprehensible. Unless, of course, it is purposeful. For a long time, I have avoided such "assumptions," but I am in a more realistic place now. Oddly, it is not depressing. It feels like this willingness to accept the bad and ugly is a first step to making beneficial change.

Bevin is also being incredibly draconian about scheduling for the Summer. Christopher doesn't have ordinary school, so one might think Bevin would ease up and give me more time with him. No. Instead, Bevin is working to pack Christopher's schedule with camp and soccer and such so that Bevin can tell me that Christopher is too busy for visits with me. Lately, Bevin says he is irritated by my "many" 5-10 minute phone and Skype calls with Christopher (which I try to get in most days). It is nothing short of insane. I want Christopher to have fun activities and to develop friendships. All of that is great. Certainly. But our having time together and maintaining our relationship is fundamental to Christopher's psychological and emotional well-being. I stay so very upset that Bevin does not care about what he is doing to Christopher. Christopher is just some collateral damage to him. It's disgusting that the Court and so many others are unable to see Bevin's actions for what they are and Bevin for who he is. What can I say, though? He has a lot of superficial charm and I fell for it too. I fell hard. It has taken me 6 years and more pain than I want to admit to see through that pretty facade of his.

Bevin has begun dating one of Christopher's teachers. I quite liked this teacher when I met her so that much is positive. I'm only upset with Christopher's discussion about how she is to be his "Mom." Christopher says that Bevin and the teacher are getting married and are going to have a lot of babies. Truly, I think that's great if that's what they both want. I don't wish Bevin ill. I really just want nothing from or to do with Bevin. I want all our financial and other entanglements dissolved. And I must have my son back. I will not be written out of my baby boy's life. Quite the opposite. I will never rest until Christopher is back home. Once that happens, I will somehow support a continued relationship between Christopher and Bevin. I want as much stability and love as I can get for Christopher--from wherever I can get it. He is being horribly damaged by all of this. He is showing a lot of signs of "wear" from this battle. It is so wrong. I stay so hurt and frustrated that I cannot protect him from it. I will forever blame myself for ever trusting Bevin and believing his lies so that he could hurt my baby like this.

Hope. I have moved to a place of starting to admit and accept how emotionally abusive Bevin was to me. Many friends were concerned for me and made comments at the time, but I was blinded by the naive love and false hope I had then. Now, I am beginning to see more clearly. I see the lies. I see the scheming. I see the vicious circles I dutifully ran. I see the cyclical drama I so easily got drawin into. But, because I'm finally starting to see clearly, I see real hope for today too. I know my chances with this court aren't positive, so I'm looking ahead into appeal. And I know this Court is unlikely to enforce on the lease/mortgage or credit card fraud issues so I'm looking into criminal and civil charges there. I realize that it's solely up to me to seek out justice and I think I'm ready to do the work to make it happen. It's bootstrap time. And I have to do this work for Christopher. One day soon, we will have a normal and stabile life again; the life we are meant to have.

2nd Half of Christopher's May/June Denver Visit

During this week with Christopher I took the week off from Bar review classes so that I could have every evening with him. I had some of the day too as I headed in to work super early so I could leave early.

Check out Mt. Everest in his sandbox!

Here's some of what happened during the week:

We babysat Saffron and had a half sleep-over. The next morning Christopher was really sad that she wasn't here, though! Christopher had a fun play date with Keller and just missed seeing Fiona too. He had some rainy day time for playing board games with G'Mo and also got to take a field trip with her to an art project store. He made frisbees for

himself and Saffron and some cool sand creatures. Christopher got to see some totem poles and dinosaurs at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science and also built a bat house with Gwen. And, on his last full day here, we had dinner and a big play date with Saffron and Shannon.

Christopher and Saffron talked about getting

married--what they'd wear and the baby they'd have!

Saturday morning Christopher wanted to just stay home for a quiet morning together before heading to the airport. Heading to the airport was, indeed, uncomfortable. Bevin had come in earlier and been downtown and missed the shuttle back to the airport so I drove him to the airport. Christoph fell asleep so we drove in silence. It seemed pointless to say, "No," but was surreal. How did we get to where we are? Who is Bevin anyway? Did he ever only have a relationship with me to steal my child? Why is the Court letting him do it? All of that plus the fact that I imminently had to let him take my baby away once again rolled around in my head and I cried some on the way and all the way home.

Christopher is in Denver this week!

Just wanted to post that Christopher is getting to spend this week with me. He was so excited to see me at the airport yesterday, it was nearly overwhelming (for both of us!) at first. Now he seems to have settled into just having fun.

Yesterday (Saturday), we did some gardening and yard work. Christopher put the support cages on the tomatoes. And he played in the yard on his slide, scooter and with his birthday RC car while the lawn got mowed and the vegetable beds got worked and ready for this year's planting. The compost even got used in the bed that seems to have spontaneously sprouted up potatoes for the second year in a row... The spinach is and has been growing happily. Now I just need to find some basil, rosemary, peppers and have my zucchini and cucumbers and other squash/melons sprout up. Christoph is most excited by tomatoes and zucchini so those get beds all to themselves.

It was the first lunch of the Summer on the back porch and we had hot dogs. Later, Grandma Mo visited and hunted roly-polies with Christopher during some of the more serious yard work phases. Then Christopher, me, Gwen and G'Mo had a yummy dinner. Gwen made grilled chicken and grilled zucchini. I think Christopher ate like 3 zucchinis himself! After dinner, we played Sorry and Christopher won handily, but perhaps only because Gwen withdrew due to Christopher breaking his nose-picking deal with her...

Today (Sunday), Christopher slept in a bit and then we had blueberry pancakes (clearly a household fave if you hadn't noticed!) before heading up to Ft. Collins for a walk in old town/historic downtown and a big lunch followed by ice cream. Then further North and West to Shambala Mountain Center. I've been wanting to go there since before moving to Colorado! There is some gorgeous land on the way and certainly there. Once there, we hiked to The Great Stupa.

I'd never seen a Stupa. It was fantastic--even if it did rain on us a bit going. In the Stupa, we lit some incense, made the bowls sing and looked at all the pictures and decorations. It's definitely beautiful and peaceful. Christopher said, "I never want to go out of this place." He just loved the huge Buddha there.

And the pomegranate seeds on the floor was such a creative touch (Christoph's favorite!) Afterward, we went to the visitor center to see the video explaining how it was built and had some hot herbal tea (which was perfect since we were still a bit damp and chilly). Christopher was still whispering at the visitor center and on down the path too for some time.

Critters: We helped a worm cross the road on the way up. Back to the car, we saw about 7 mule deer, a rabbit, many birds, a chipmunk and closer in to the Center, two cats. At the gift shop, we got some Great Stupa prayer flags for the house and a coloring book. Then on the way back to Denver, I finally got to stop at Johnson's Corner for some cinnamon rolls! We really had a day of being tourists in Colorado--a staycation!

Had a great Memorial Day Weekend!

Didn't get a photo of it, but Christopher loved the labyrinth in Santa Fe at the Cathedral Basilica of St. Francis. It's a replica of the one in Chartes and he did it twice by himself! The first time he lead and I followed and the second time was just him while I watched. He is great at mazes.

We'll have to get him into a corn maze in the Fall! That was part of our Saturday adventure, which also included a little tour of the Basilica and then learning about poppies, snails and having some really fabulous chocolate--Christopher chose a mushroom that was the best one!

We had yummy breakfast on Sunday with Dana and Spencer (didn't get

any photos there either :<), but did get some shots on some downtown

rocks!

And we got to hang out with D'Marie and Johnnie a good bit too--who were such gracious hosts that they gave up their bedroom!

Christopher picked out some beads from the hemp shop

and we strung an "Om" necklace on Sunday afternoon.

Plus, we got in hikes on two separate trails--the Borrego Trail and, again,

the Chamisa Trail. The Borrego Trail was more shaded and got a bit chilly for him since it was early morning, but he did find a hiking staff that

he wants to decorate (thanks to Johnnie!) And we had a Memorial Day pic-nic just off the Chamisa Trail that included granola bars, fruit, popcorn, jerky, oj, water and astronaut ice cream. Then we did some plant-identifying and even picked a tiny bit of mullein.

46.5 hours, but it surely went fast! When we talked about him coming to Denver in less than a week, he asked me if he was coming to stay in Colorado "forever." If I hadn't been so shocked by the question, I would have been more saddened by it. But I just quickly explained that it would be for a week and that it would be a fun time.

Several people have asked me what Christopher thinks is going on. That's a hard question to answer. There's not really a way to painlessly explain the truth of the situation. So, I have stuck very closely to the logistics of each step along the way in discussing it with him. A "big picture" would only confuse him and it's actually pretty unknown. The reason he's going back and forth is too ugly to impose on him. And I do actively try to hide my own feelings from him. As he has his own feelings or concerns, though, I just try to talk about them with him and be accepting of wherever he is and give him as much comfort as I can. It's hard. I can promise him little right now even though I still want to promise him the world...

The latest big news is that I get to see Christopher for Memorial Day weekend!!!

After a quick run (thanks to Kari!), I'm off to Santa Fe early Saturday morning. I'll get into New Mexico early afternoon.  I can pick Christoph up at 3pm and I will have him until 1pm on Monday.  The time is only limited as Bevin scheduled other activities earlier on Saturday and later on Monday.  Even so, I'm appreciative of what Bevin was willing to carve out since I'm just dying to see Christopher!  It feels like it's been so long even though I know it's only been two weeks.
 
Someone said that this would get easier, but so far it really hasn't.  It was somehow easier the first few weeks when I knew Christopher would be enjoying the new-ness of Santa Fe.  Now it's actually more painful.  Part of that is because Christopher seems to be having a harder time and that sticks with me.  Also I guess it just feels more and more wrong...impossible...insane, even though it is the current reality.
 
I struggle with being in the NOW these days.  It's easy when I'm with Christopher because the rest of the world fades away as does the past and future.  But when I'm apart from him, the now is painful.  Not where I want to be.  I have to work hard to focus on doing my best at just putting each foot forward in each day's pursuit and being grateful for all the positive things that I have in my life.  

But RIGHT NOW I can focus on fun because it's nearly time to HIT THE ROAD!  Please keep my safe travels in your thoughts and prayers and know that Christopher and I will have a joyous visit this weekend!

THANK YOU!

Here are more THANKS to go out to several:

Leslie

Brick & Lara

Sid & Barbara

Mia & Jack

D'Marie & Johnnie

John & Melissa

Ed

I remain humbled and so very appreciative by the help we've received and the love, thoughts and prayers from so many!

Mother's Day

I'm a week late in getting out some notes on last weekend. It was really wonderful. I experienced a good bit of drop afterward, which is likely just a confirmation of what a great, short weekend it was! I got to see Christopher from 8pm on Saturday until 8am on Monday. He was amazing. He's just so perfect. Even when he's being a spirited, willful little guy!

Before I could leave Denver Saturday, I did some early morning swimming lessons with Kelly from the triathlon team. She is a great teacher and now I just need to practice the crawl more and am starting to feel I might one day not think of it as freestyle drowning. Then I negotiated two contracts for the non-profit where I volunteer. The first one was our lease and the second was a contract with the City of Denver. I think both went really well and the second even included my favorite decaf soy latte' from Satchel's. Then I

scurried home and immediately hit the road!

It's a longer road trip that I had heard from some, but it's an interesting drive in many ways.

I need some music next time, though. Finding radio stations was tricky. And I had a cool car to drive as well. Fab friends, John and Melissa, loaned me their gas-saving Volkswagon. It is a standard and, although I originally learned to drive on one, it was a major shift in habit. Fun stuff, though. Thank you to John and Mel!

Saturday night was mostly just me unpacking while Christopher played a tiny bit and then we snuggled and slept. How great it was to wake up with him curled up beside me on Mother's Day--just like our first one!

That was all the gift I wanted. We had some banana bread (yummy and made by Gwen) and OJ and then later bagels with cream cheese and chocolate milk. And a hike just outside Santa Fe. Christopher did all his own hiking and even some bouldering.

Afterward, we went on another trail that had a stream and we took off our shoes and did some wading. That was freezing, COLD mountain water! We also floated some leaf boats downstream. Christopher loved it.

Then we went for a soak and sauna at Ten Thousand Waves. That was Christopher's idea! I was a little hesitant because I wasn't sure he'd really like it, but he surely did. We donned our matching kimonos and soaked our feet first while sipping cucumber water and watching the koi pond. Then we got into the tub and enjoyed the jets and heat. Next was the sauna, which I thought he'd surely dislike, but he really loved that too! We also had a bean cake and some hibiscus tea. Though not exactly meditative and quiet, Christopher was really great and had a fun time at the Spa. He also touched some hearts by bringing dandelions and kisses to the Buddhas. He told me that the kissing was going to make the Buddha "come alive."

Heading back "home," he fell asleep. Home for the weekend was with my dear friends, D'Marie and Johnnie who just recently moved to Santa Fe. What a wonderful coincidence from the Universe. After Christopher woke up from his nap, we checked on the nice flower he gave me for Mother's Day and sat out in the adobe courtyard with D'Marie and watched the ants work. We even fed the ants a bit too. Then, when Johnnie got home from work, we went our for an early dinner and Christopher and I shared a huge Italian soda (yes, he ate all the whipped cream and cherries!) After dinner, we all played a board game of Christopher's and then got ready for bed. Once in his PJs, Christopher decided we needed to load up the car and drive home to Denver. He was a bit upset when I told him the real plans, but we got through it.

Monday was a hurried morning. I packed the car and made breakfast for Christopher before he got up. Then we got dressed, ate and said good-byes to D'Marie and a sleepy Johnnie and headed to school. We were a bit early so we got to have an extended time for our own good-byes and that went really well for Christoph. I got gas and headed North. It was a foggy drive, but magically cleared the moment I hit Colorado. I changed cars with Melissa in the Springs and got to work by 1:30pm. Pretty amazing all around.

I'm thankful to friends from all over holding me and Christopher in love. I'm thankful for the generosity of friends like John & Melissa and D'Marie & Johnnie. I'm thankful for Mother's Day with my baby. I'm thankful to Bevin for giving me the time. I'm thankful for Christopher being the wonderful son and beautiful, sensitive, emerging person he is. And I'm thankful to the Universe for the lessons I'm learning in "carpe' diem."