Christopher in Denver as June ends!

Christopher got here at about 9:30pm last Wednesday.  It has been just wonderful.  I'll come back and add more of what fun times we've had.  Right now it's hard to type at all.  He's sleeping and our last hours together of this visit are slipping by.

Tomorrow he must go back to NM with Bevin and I feel nauseous about it.  How is this really our life?  No one who knows me or begins with any objectivity understands this.  Every day Christopher is away is harder than the last.  I can only recommit daily to never giving up this battle to bring my son home.  I will go down any road that presents itself as hopeful in this dark night.  I am a mother with nothing to lose and only my child to gain.

Not really bad or ugly but DIFFICULT

Had to make some hard decisions this week.  One of the big ones was about how much I've been trying to get done each week.  Getting up at 5:30am and to bed at 11pm and still not getting the minimums done each day has been taking its toll.  The Colorado Bar Exam.  I need to be able to give the preparation more actual time and more mental energy than I simply can right now. Therefore, I am deferring until February.  Will life be easy then?  Likely not.  But it will surely be better than right now.  So, in February, I will have a laptop to take the exam and I will be fully prepared.  Then I can move forward with my legal career and making a better life for my son, Christopher.

The last difficulty is really just a laughable one.  I ran up Mt. Evans yesterday.  Yup.  It was absolutely grueling.  I felt like quitting in the first quarter mile.  It began at 10,000 feet and ended at 14,000 feet.  It was 14.5 miles long.  At the start is was in the 50s, but by then end it was 20 degrees, 20 mph winds, snow and visibility of about 5-10 feet.  The bits of me that hurt the most were my hands.  I thought I just might lose use of some fingers.  And the altitude was nauseating, disorienting, painful.  

All in all it was entirely insane to have done, but there are some interesting aspects to it.  It was allegorical.  A lot of people quit.  500 started and less than 300 finished.  I could have quit. That would have been logical.  I wasn't really in shape for it (whatever that might entail and mean!)  I wasn't doing well.  I was hurting a lot.  I was having altitude issues.  I was miserably cold.  I questioned my own sanity.  But quit?  I was alone most of the ascent.  I did a lot of talking to myself.  I created a mental and physical system to get through.  I also simply decided that I would not quit.  Why quit?  Defeat and failure on Mt. Evans would have meant little, but allegorically it meant a lot.  It meant more than a lot.  It was good to push my own sense of capability.  Physically, it made no sense.  Mentally, this was something I needed.  Something a lot of people need.  I hope others can achieve it more painlessly, though!

The Good

So the hope and the inspiration to take control of my life and turn things around for Christopher are the beginning of the good. And I'm willing to commit to trying to post more here to keep everyone updated on what is happening with Christopher and the custody battle developments.

Some short other fun news: The Summer garden is going well this year. We have tomatoes, basil, peppers, potatoes, zucchini, cucumbers, spaghetti squash, musk melon and butternut squash. Christopher is especially excited about the tiny, yellow pear tomatoes. There has been a ton of rain and the poppies were gorgeous and the roses are making a super recovery from the dry Winter!

The biggest recent good news is that there was a really fabulous fundraiser in New York! I sooo wish I could have been there. Not only was money raised to help in my fight to keep Christopher, but it sounds like it was a lot of fun too! I cannot thank and applaud Sabrina enough for her work on it. WOW is the best word to describe it.

So THANK YOUs are in order:
Sabrina
Annette
Morgan
Raven

Roze

Margaret

Amanda

Olivia

Coko

Ronda

Precious

Veve & Twiggy

M

Charles

Rita

TES

Deb

N

Velvet

Kim

And perhaps others whose names I don't yet have!

As I have said many times before... This is a dark time, but it is not without its bright, silver lining. I have been blessed with a lot of love and wonderful friendships in my life. And I have been astounded how many have written, have called, have donated money, have prayed, lit candles, and more!

Good; Bad; Ugly

Well let's get some of the bad and ugly out of the way. First, my apologies for the tardiness of my posting efforts. I am overwhelmed and more than a little hermit-like right now. In truth, I have not been doing well. I was just denied visitation last weekend with Christopher and it was really rough. It wasn't a full denial in that I could have had a few hours--two meals and about two hours--if I'd driven down to Santa Fe. But with so much to be done in Denver, I had to weigh it out and the joy of the brief time just couldn't completely justify the twelve hour drive and travel costs. Very, very hard choice. I've had a lot of those recently.

And I've been burning the candle a bit too brightly at both ends. I have been working full-time during the days and taking bar review classes for the Colorado Bar exam evenings. And I've been trying to keep up with the custody battle and visitation skirmishes as well. I've stayed so tired that I've not been doing much working-out even. My poor triathlon team. I'm going to have to make it up to them somehow...

Bevin is again not paying the mortgage and the fear of losing my home and substantial investment in it is very stressful. I truly do not understand his financial negligence when financial planning is now his career and I especially don't understand how he is in such a financial mess when he is earning more than four times what I earn. I pay the mortgage amount to him each month as per our lease, but he then squanders the money and leaves the mortgage unpaid. It is incomprehensible. Unless, of course, it is purposeful. For a long time, I have avoided such "assumptions," but I am in a more realistic place now. Oddly, it is not depressing. It feels like this willingness to accept the bad and ugly is a first step to making beneficial change.

Bevin is also being incredibly draconian about scheduling for the Summer. Christopher doesn't have ordinary school, so one might think Bevin would ease up and give me more time with him. No. Instead, Bevin is working to pack Christopher's schedule with camp and soccer and such so that Bevin can tell me that Christopher is too busy for visits with me. Lately, Bevin says he is irritated by my "many" 5-10 minute phone and Skype calls with Christopher (which I try to get in most days). It is nothing short of insane. I want Christopher to have fun activities and to develop friendships. All of that is great. Certainly. But our having time together and maintaining our relationship is fundamental to Christopher's psychological and emotional well-being. I stay so very upset that Bevin does not care about what he is doing to Christopher. Christopher is just some collateral damage to him. It's disgusting that the Court and so many others are unable to see Bevin's actions for what they are and Bevin for who he is. What can I say, though? He has a lot of superficial charm and I fell for it too. I fell hard. It has taken me 6 years and more pain than I want to admit to see through that pretty facade of his.

Bevin has begun dating one of Christopher's teachers. I quite liked this teacher when I met her so that much is positive. I'm only upset with Christopher's discussion about how she is to be his "Mom." Christopher says that Bevin and the teacher are getting married and are going to have a lot of babies. Truly, I think that's great if that's what they both want. I don't wish Bevin ill. I really just want nothing from or to do with Bevin. I want all our financial and other entanglements dissolved. And I must have my son back. I will not be written out of my baby boy's life. Quite the opposite. I will never rest until Christopher is back home. Once that happens, I will somehow support a continued relationship between Christopher and Bevin. I want as much stability and love as I can get for Christopher--from wherever I can get it. He is being horribly damaged by all of this. He is showing a lot of signs of "wear" from this battle. It is so wrong. I stay so hurt and frustrated that I cannot protect him from it. I will forever blame myself for ever trusting Bevin and believing his lies so that he could hurt my baby like this.

Hope. I have moved to a place of starting to admit and accept how emotionally abusive Bevin was to me. Many friends were concerned for me and made comments at the time, but I was blinded by the naive love and false hope I had then. Now, I am beginning to see more clearly. I see the lies. I see the scheming. I see the vicious circles I dutifully ran. I see the cyclical drama I so easily got drawin into. But, because I'm finally starting to see clearly, I see real hope for today too. I know my chances with this court aren't positive, so I'm looking ahead into appeal. And I know this Court is unlikely to enforce on the lease/mortgage or credit card fraud issues so I'm looking into criminal and civil charges there. I realize that it's solely up to me to seek out justice and I think I'm ready to do the work to make it happen. It's bootstrap time. And I have to do this work for Christopher. One day soon, we will have a normal and stabile life again; the life we are meant to have.

2nd Half of Christopher's May/June Denver Visit

During this week with Christopher I took the week off from Bar review classes so that I could have every evening with him. I had some of the day too as I headed in to work super early so I could leave early.

Check out Mt. Everest in his sandbox!

Here's some of what happened during the week:

We babysat Saffron and had a half sleep-over. The next morning Christopher was really sad that she wasn't here, though! Christopher had a fun play date with Keller and just missed seeing Fiona too. He had some rainy day time for playing board games with G'Mo and also got to take a field trip with her to an art project store. He made frisbees for

himself and Saffron and some cool sand creatures. Christopher got to see some totem poles and dinosaurs at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science and also built a bat house with Gwen. And, on his last full day here, we had dinner and a big play date with Saffron and Shannon.

Christopher and Saffron talked about getting

married--what they'd wear and the baby they'd have!

Saturday morning Christopher wanted to just stay home for a quiet morning together before heading to the airport. Heading to the airport was, indeed, uncomfortable. Bevin had come in earlier and been downtown and missed the shuttle back to the airport so I drove him to the airport. Christoph fell asleep so we drove in silence. It seemed pointless to say, "No," but was surreal. How did we get to where we are? Who is Bevin anyway? Did he ever only have a relationship with me to steal my child? Why is the Court letting him do it? All of that plus the fact that I imminently had to let him take my baby away once again rolled around in my head and I cried some on the way and all the way home.

Christopher is in Denver this week!

Just wanted to post that Christopher is getting to spend this week with me. He was so excited to see me at the airport yesterday, it was nearly overwhelming (for both of us!) at first. Now he seems to have settled into just having fun.

Yesterday (Saturday), we did some gardening and yard work. Christopher put the support cages on the tomatoes. And he played in the yard on his slide, scooter and with his birthday RC car while the lawn got mowed and the vegetable beds got worked and ready for this year's planting. The compost even got used in the bed that seems to have spontaneously sprouted up potatoes for the second year in a row... The spinach is and has been growing happily. Now I just need to find some basil, rosemary, peppers and have my zucchini and cucumbers and other squash/melons sprout up. Christoph is most excited by tomatoes and zucchini so those get beds all to themselves.

It was the first lunch of the Summer on the back porch and we had hot dogs. Later, Grandma Mo visited and hunted roly-polies with Christopher during some of the more serious yard work phases. Then Christopher, me, Gwen and G'Mo had a yummy dinner. Gwen made grilled chicken and grilled zucchini. I think Christopher ate like 3 zucchinis himself! After dinner, we played Sorry and Christopher won handily, but perhaps only because Gwen withdrew due to Christopher breaking his nose-picking deal with her...

Today (Sunday), Christopher slept in a bit and then we had blueberry pancakes (clearly a household fave if you hadn't noticed!) before heading up to Ft. Collins for a walk in old town/historic downtown and a big lunch followed by ice cream. Then further North and West to Shambala Mountain Center. I've been wanting to go there since before moving to Colorado! There is some gorgeous land on the way and certainly there. Once there, we hiked to The Great Stupa.

I'd never seen a Stupa. It was fantastic--even if it did rain on us a bit going. In the Stupa, we lit some incense, made the bowls sing and looked at all the pictures and decorations. It's definitely beautiful and peaceful. Christopher said, "I never want to go out of this place." He just loved the huge Buddha there.

And the pomegranate seeds on the floor was such a creative touch (Christoph's favorite!) Afterward, we went to the visitor center to see the video explaining how it was built and had some hot herbal tea (which was perfect since we were still a bit damp and chilly). Christopher was still whispering at the visitor center and on down the path too for some time.

Critters: We helped a worm cross the road on the way up. Back to the car, we saw about 7 mule deer, a rabbit, many birds, a chipmunk and closer in to the Center, two cats. At the gift shop, we got some Great Stupa prayer flags for the house and a coloring book. Then on the way back to Denver, I finally got to stop at Johnson's Corner for some cinnamon rolls! We really had a day of being tourists in Colorado--a staycation!

Had a great Memorial Day Weekend!

Didn't get a photo of it, but Christopher loved the labyrinth in Santa Fe at the Cathedral Basilica of St. Francis. It's a replica of the one in Chartes and he did it twice by himself! The first time he lead and I followed and the second time was just him while I watched. He is great at mazes.

We'll have to get him into a corn maze in the Fall! That was part of our Saturday adventure, which also included a little tour of the Basilica and then learning about poppies, snails and having some really fabulous chocolate--Christopher chose a mushroom that was the best one!

We had yummy breakfast on Sunday with Dana and Spencer (didn't get

any photos there either :<), but did get some shots on some downtown

rocks!

And we got to hang out with D'Marie and Johnnie a good bit too--who were such gracious hosts that they gave up their bedroom!

Christopher picked out some beads from the hemp shop

and we strung an "Om" necklace on Sunday afternoon.

Plus, we got in hikes on two separate trails--the Borrego Trail and, again,

the Chamisa Trail. The Borrego Trail was more shaded and got a bit chilly for him since it was early morning, but he did find a hiking staff that

he wants to decorate (thanks to Johnnie!) And we had a Memorial Day pic-nic just off the Chamisa Trail that included granola bars, fruit, popcorn, jerky, oj, water and astronaut ice cream. Then we did some plant-identifying and even picked a tiny bit of mullein.

46.5 hours, but it surely went fast! When we talked about him coming to Denver in less than a week, he asked me if he was coming to stay in Colorado "forever." If I hadn't been so shocked by the question, I would have been more saddened by it. But I just quickly explained that it would be for a week and that it would be a fun time.

Several people have asked me what Christopher thinks is going on. That's a hard question to answer. There's not really a way to painlessly explain the truth of the situation. So, I have stuck very closely to the logistics of each step along the way in discussing it with him. A "big picture" would only confuse him and it's actually pretty unknown. The reason he's going back and forth is too ugly to impose on him. And I do actively try to hide my own feelings from him. As he has his own feelings or concerns, though, I just try to talk about them with him and be accepting of wherever he is and give him as much comfort as I can. It's hard. I can promise him little right now even though I still want to promise him the world...