Survived Birth Day

Got to talk to Christopher twice. He's not very good on the phone and it's pretty hard to understand him when he's even willing to use the phone, but it's still wonderful. He was missing me and having trouble with it in the morning and wanted to call. That felt good in a way, but also made me sad. This is my worst nightmare, but I really don't want him to know that. I want him to just be having fun playing and making friends in New Mexico or wherever he is. Then I called just before 5:30pm which is when he was born four years ago and told him that--the same as I have every year. He was tired, though, and not really able to focus on phone conversation so we said good-night early. I got a chance to get in some extra work hours, so I stayed late at the firm. Document review may not be the most fascinating work, but it does occupy the brain and make the hours pass...and that was very good stuff yesterday. Of course, it also meant a tad extra income which is so needed right now too!

Christopher was here last weekend

And I got to have a birthday party for him. It was all about Batman...and Robin, of course. He had a huge Robin cake because Robin is actually his favorite. It was a good weekend, but seemed to go by fast since we were so busy. We watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, played with Elmo, had Christopher's Batman birthday party, put together a lot of toys, went to the Green Festival (Christopher even met Charlie and Isabelle!), made a trip to Liks and even fit in some yard work/outdoor play time too.

Tomorrow is his actual birth day, though, and I'm having a hard time with not seeing him. This will be the first time and it's hard to explain how it feels. If you are a Mom, you understand. Emotionally this is certainly a nightmare, but the physical pain of a missing child is somewhat surprising...

I'm trying also to make arrangements so I can see him on Mother's Day. Missing both his birthday and Mother's Day feels incomprehensible.

Still just must put one foot in front of the other and stay focused on not falling down before the finish line.

Photos!

I'm not the best geek, so I just figured out how to add photos to the blog. I went back and added several. Hope everyone enjoys SEEING some of what I had narrated about Christopher's visits. He is just such a joy. He's sensitive, giving, silly, energetic, loving, smart, curious, demanding, funny and just such a wonderful person already. That's best seen in person, but pix are the next best thing. Check out my little man!

A few more THANK YOUs!

Here are a few more THANK YOUs:

Funds from an amazing hat-passing in NYC 

An anonymous donation

Malik & Cathy

D'Marie & Johnnie

And money to come in from a fabulous fundraiser in Arizona spearheaded by those beautiful Dragon folk...who always make me think maybe it should have been AZ rather than CO!

There are also a few others who have promised to help as soon as they can, which I more than understand and appreciate, so early THANK YOUs also to Ilene, Clea and Jeanne!

Christopher is coming!

And it will be just a few days before his birthday, so we'll be having a birthday party!

Last weekend I had a great visit from D'Marie and Johnnie. It was a nice distraction and such fun to see them (plus check out the FAB painting they gave me!), but I really am paying for it now in having to play catch-up on paperwork. That's always a nightmare and is particularly so for pro se legal work.

I'm also still recovering from the chest cold Christoph gave me during his last visit. It was likely prolonged by all the stress, sleep deprivation and the recent work to get back to exercising, but it does seem to be coming to an end.

I'm finally back on track with coaching my triathlon team and that feels great. And I'm mostly back up to speed with my volunteer work too. I have a lease in the works for the not-for-profit and bike season is just about to hit hard here in Colorado.

Off to work on more birthday party plans. The theme will be Batman, of course. And I just finally today decided what I want to get him for a gift. There are several things he needs, but he's getting to that age where getting new shoes and pants just isn't very exciting...!

I can't wait to see my baby boy! And I can't believe he's almost FOUR years old--not a baby at all anymore! But like he and I always say, he'll always be my baby--even when he's 6 foot whatever with facial hair!

The Sun will come out!

I can't leave things on such a dark note, because there are bright spots to be seen. The BIGGIE is that Christopher was here this weekend!

Bevin was willing to drive in the snow and got here late Friday night--around 10pm. Christopher fell right asleep, but it was wonderful to have him back home.

It really did snow a lot on Friday and a bit into Saturday, so after strawberry and banana pancakes and eggs Saturday morning, Christopher and I headed out to get a game he really likes. What a mess it was outside--rivers everywhere as the snow melted! Then we came home and played the game with Grandma Mo and Gwen. Christopher won the first round handily. I came in dead last. And when he wasn't winning in later rounds, we had some interesting attempts at rule-changing!

Saturday evening we headed to Saffron's house for dinner. It was a pajama dinner, so Christoph had taken a bath and put on his PJs even before driving over. Christopher just loves Saffron's bedroom and went straight there upon arrival. I followed him up. He already had an armload of toys and said, "I just needed to get a few things." (!)

Dinner was really yummy make-your-own gourmet pizza.

Christopher definitely went overboard with the asparagus and mushrooms and eggplant. After dinner, Saffron directed a play involving a martian, wolf and two bunny rabbits. Saffron was even sweet enough to let Christopher borrow her totally cool New York City blocks. Christopher fell asleep on the way home.

Saturday overnight was rough with some awful coughing fits that began around 11pm. I spent about an hour and a half in his room and some meds and water and comforting finally helped. Poor guy. Sunday we had fun playing trains and setting up the NYC blocks. Christopher wanted more information on the buildings so we spent some time on the internet looking up facts and pictures of several New York buildings and discussed the World's tallest buildings and how that's been a competition for years. We looked at the Chrysler Building (my favorite), the Empire State Building (Christopher's favorite that day!), 40 Wall Street, the Woolworth Building (a close 2nd for Christoph), the Met Life Tower and a few others. Christopher wanted to know what would happen if you jumped off the Empire State Building. Well... We saw the nets that catch people who do that. And we also read about a woman who jumped off one floor and was blown back onto a different floor, hurting only her hip! We left it at that.

The Sun sure did come out! The snow had nearly all melted and we

spent a good bit of time in the back yard Sunday afternoon--eating snow and

blowing bubbles... I even got some pruning done. And then we went for a bike ride. We stayed in the alley, but Christopher got in some good tricycle exercise. And we got to pet Trouble, a neighbor's dog. Later Christopher wanted to direct a play, a Harry Potter play. Puck was to play the part of the Basilisk! Bevin was doing some work in Denver Monday morning and was willing to let Christopher stay until then, so he got to spend Sunday night here too. Whoo-hoo! Before bed, Christopher rediscovered Willy Wonka and beets and poetry for bedtime.

Monday morning flew by and Bevin was here to get him. Christopher had said that he didn't think I should give him back and some other really surprising things, but we talked about how much Bevin loves him and how much fun he would have at school the rest of the week and it seemed to be a pretty easy exchange for him. It kills me for him to leave, but it helps to see him in good spirits going along with it.

CFI Report Redux

So, I've seen the final CFI report. There were a few changes, but there are still many false statements and I don't understand why she would keep them after they were pointed out.

The actual facts of the case are pretty clear. The feel, emotion, analysis, pre-formed judgment level is where it gets murky. I've been so reticent to pronounce the CFI biased. I thought she was stronger than that; more principled. I even began to have hope that the Magistrate too could overcome her initial bias. Who knows, perhaps she still can... How can I not hope?

I keep thinking back to the beginning of Law School and what lofty things I thought of Law and the Legal System. It's clear that corruption and bias and back room deals are enmeshed in politics. But the Law... I never thought it was perfect, but I really did believe that mistakes were usually made on bad information, that biased judges were rare, that wild juries could be kept in check, that the appeals process yielded fairness, that access to justice was possible for all... Now I see things I never, ever wanted to see.

But I still vote. And I'm still an attorney. I'm not licensed yet here in Colorado, but Law School does put "lawyer" into one's identity and I'm not sure I can recant that, even though it sounded really good for several years there... So I have to keep holding on to any shred of hope I can find. I have to have faith. And faith is believing in things not seen. I've not seen fairness. I've not seen Justice. I've not even seen stare decisis. But I have to keep faith alive. If only because Christopher deserves to live in a world that values those ideals and creates systems to protect them.

So I will keep the faith and I will find hope no matter how dark it is today. Or tomorrow.