Intervening Factors

I apologize for taking so long to post. There have been some very unfavorable rulings in the case and that has been both upsetting and confusing.

I have also been dealing with a good deal of harassment from Bevin. He is making threats regarding some of what I have written here. Everything I have written is true to the best of my knowledge and I hope Bevin can see that. I realize that I am incredibly emotional right now and perhaps I should not use the language I have at times. Still, my intent is not to harm Bevin's reputation. To clarify, my intent in this blog is to update my family and friends who are mostly long-distance as to how the custody battle is proceeding and how Christopher and I are coping through all of it.

Back to language:

The words "kidnapping" and "stealing" may be imprecise because what Bevin has done to Christopher is court-sanctioned, even if based on lies and prejudicial mud slinging. So his ripping Christopher away from his mommy and his home and all he knows in Colorado is, thus far, legal even if it feels criminal.

The word "fraud" that I have used with regard to the unauthorized charges Bevin placed on my credit cards may also be imprecise, but that will be up to a court to decide. In February of 2008, Bevin agreed to pay off the $20k balance by Summer 2008. A plain reading indicates that paying off that amount does not include putting on additional charges, especially not for personal expenses. Yet, Bevin did put such charges on my cards without my knowledge or approval. He says he knew it was wrong but had intended to pay it off before I discovered it. He was an authorized user on the cards because he had been put on them while we were partners and he needed to retain such authorization to deal directly with the companies for repayment. Obviously, it was still a costly, stupid blunder on my part. Bevin agreed this past April to aggressively pay down the credit card debt, but so far has only been willing to make minimum payments. I worry about it all the time, but I continue to hope Bevin will uphold this last agreement.

The Court has given Bevin nearly full control over Christopher's life and will likely be given even more at the final hearing. Therefore, at every turn, Bevin is able to threaten to take away communication; take away visitation. We agreed on several trips and Bevin has already chosen to make them very difficult for me. I get bitter. I get angry. Mostly I just cry. This is not the life I wanted for my son. He deserves so much better.

But I also have to say that I am willing to work within this framework. I am willing to do whatever I have to do to see my baby. I will drive 12 hours in one day. I will spend money I don't really have on travel costs. Whatever it takes, I will do it. And I am grateful that Bevin has not taken away everything. There are moments of perhaps compassion. Bevin has not taken away Christopher's trip to Florida to see his grandparents in August. Christopher is excited to see family, the beaches and Disney. His grandparents, Unlces, Aunts and cousins are just excited to see him!

I don't know Bevin anymore and that's really ok. I remain very grateful that he is willing to allow Christopher to enjoy some time with his mama who loves and misses him with all she is. I don't hope that Bevin feels sorry for me. I only hope he thinks enough of his mother to understand that Christopher needs me. Maybe that means I'm groveling. So be it. Whatever I have to do for Christopher is well worth it. So thank you, Bevin, for what you do allow. I appreciate each and every golden moment I have with Christopher. Christopher is the most beautiful soul I have ever met and I am indeed blessed.

4th of July

Happy 4th! How odd that we celebrate the beginning of our country which came by war ("rocket's red glare, bombs bursting in air...") with something of a reenactment. If you close your eyes, it does sound like a war zone!

Went to a family/community BBQ and saw friends; got some nice hugs. Watched fireworks from the back of the Blazer (the car Christopher calls, Basil). Kept thinking about how he likes the way fireworks look, but finds the sounds frightening. We had a great New Year's display that he enjoyed in downtown Denver. It was early and short and we brought blankets and yummy hot chocolate. Last night was warmer (though not a lot!) and later. And the fireworks were ok, but felt lacking. Missed him a lot last night.

As a parting gift

On Monday, Bevin told me that in retribution for me writing to his father, that he had sent a letter to my parents with pornographic photos of me and other sundry graphic information.

How can I continue to be shocked by him? He has stolen my son. He is trying to ruin me financially by fraudulently running up my credit cards and defaulting on the mortgage so I lose my home and all my down payment money. Now he's trying to take my family away--my loving family that accepted him even when his own family turned their back on him. Classy.

I did write to his father. I have tried every avenue I can think of to get anyone and everyone to see the the wrong of the situation. Bevin's family was never friendly toward me. Bygones. I hoped for the best for all of them and still do. I hope the entire family is reunited one day. I said that to his father. I most certainly said nothing untoward to his father. I only ask that since they have never wanted me, why do they want my son? Why can't they all just help Bevin move on and leave my son out of his revenge. Just let Christopher come home. This is unnatural and wrong and it's hurting an innocent child.

End of June visit details...

Christoph arrived tired, dirty and with some super stinky feet! The first thing we did was wash those feet AND shoes...well, after some hugs and squeezes and kisses! Oh, so good to get to hold my boy!

Thursday, Christopher and Gwen finished the bat house they built last time by painting it black to attract warm sunshine which the bats apparently love. Later we did some shopping, including some mall play time with about 50 kids! The thing Christopher wanted the most was a double jogging stroller so I could push him and Saffron--now THAT would be a work-out! Christopher got to open a huge, belated birthday present--a Harley Davidson scooter from Uncle Skip! He loves it and it makes all sorts of cool noises and has flashing lights. And he loves the box!

Friday morning, Christoph had a long play date with Saffron at the end of which I was told he could never leave! He fell asleep on the way home and napped for about an hour at home! In the late afternoon, he had another play date, this time with Keller. They gave Blasto a run for his money. And in the evening, Christopher got to Skype with Papa Tim, just before Papa Tim's birthday--hope he likes his b'day card half as much as Christopher did!

Saturday was adventure day. We got up, had poached eggs and then headed to the Argo Mine for a tour, including going in a real gold mine and gold mill, followed by panning for gold and gemstones. Hammy just adores his gemstones--he may be even more of a rockhound than me! Then we had BBQ lunch in Evergreen with apple fritters for dessert. And on to Idaho Springs Hot Springs, which was so, so, so much fun! We didn't want to leave. But we had to get home as Grandma Mo was coming over for dinner and a sleep-over!

Sunday started with blueberry pancakes with G'Mo and lots of play time in the back yard, including some scooter fun. Then we headed over to Shannon's birthday party. It was a fab crowd. Christopher got to deal with some new situations. It was difficult sharing Saffron and being told that she didn't want to play with him, but he came back from tears several times. And had a chance to play with some boys, including showcasing his not-quite-there catching ability and very-there (!) throwing ability with a baseball. And, in the end, he certainly had a good bit of play with Saffron too.

Monday, we headed out for a short hike around a local wetland/watershed area. It was crazy hot. We drank lots of water and ate our snacks. We got to see a red-winged black bird and some ducks--not sure what kind. Last we were there, we saw deer, but not this time. We also read a bit about the importance of the yucca plant--historically and currently. We came home, showered and got ready to head to see Dr. Dean, Christopher's pediatrician. Christoph is at 60th percentile for both height/weight and got 20/20 on the eye exam. He had little to report himself except that some kids at his new school are mean to him. All in all, his health was deemed great--thanks, Dr. Dean!

Then he had to go with Bevin. He did well. I got some super, tight hugs and gave him a little pep talk. I held it together until he was safely in the car and then cried and cursed my way to work. One day this WILL turn around! It has to!

Christopher in Denver as June ends!

Christopher got here at about 9:30pm last Wednesday.  It has been just wonderful.  I'll come back and add more of what fun times we've had.  Right now it's hard to type at all.  He's sleeping and our last hours together of this visit are slipping by.

Tomorrow he must go back to NM with Bevin and I feel nauseous about it.  How is this really our life?  No one who knows me or begins with any objectivity understands this.  Every day Christopher is away is harder than the last.  I can only recommit daily to never giving up this battle to bring my son home.  I will go down any road that presents itself as hopeful in this dark night.  I am a mother with nothing to lose and only my child to gain.

Not really bad or ugly but DIFFICULT

Had to make some hard decisions this week.  One of the big ones was about how much I've been trying to get done each week.  Getting up at 5:30am and to bed at 11pm and still not getting the minimums done each day has been taking its toll.  The Colorado Bar Exam.  I need to be able to give the preparation more actual time and more mental energy than I simply can right now. Therefore, I am deferring until February.  Will life be easy then?  Likely not.  But it will surely be better than right now.  So, in February, I will have a laptop to take the exam and I will be fully prepared.  Then I can move forward with my legal career and making a better life for my son, Christopher.

The last difficulty is really just a laughable one.  I ran up Mt. Evans yesterday.  Yup.  It was absolutely grueling.  I felt like quitting in the first quarter mile.  It began at 10,000 feet and ended at 14,000 feet.  It was 14.5 miles long.  At the start is was in the 50s, but by then end it was 20 degrees, 20 mph winds, snow and visibility of about 5-10 feet.  The bits of me that hurt the most were my hands.  I thought I just might lose use of some fingers.  And the altitude was nauseating, disorienting, painful.  

All in all it was entirely insane to have done, but there are some interesting aspects to it.  It was allegorical.  A lot of people quit.  500 started and less than 300 finished.  I could have quit. That would have been logical.  I wasn't really in shape for it (whatever that might entail and mean!)  I wasn't doing well.  I was hurting a lot.  I was having altitude issues.  I was miserably cold.  I questioned my own sanity.  But quit?  I was alone most of the ascent.  I did a lot of talking to myself.  I created a mental and physical system to get through.  I also simply decided that I would not quit.  Why quit?  Defeat and failure on Mt. Evans would have meant little, but allegorically it meant a lot.  It meant more than a lot.  It was good to push my own sense of capability.  Physically, it made no sense.  Mentally, this was something I needed.  Something a lot of people need.  I hope others can achieve it more painlessly, though!

The Good

So the hope and the inspiration to take control of my life and turn things around for Christopher are the beginning of the good. And I'm willing to commit to trying to post more here to keep everyone updated on what is happening with Christopher and the custody battle developments.

Some short other fun news: The Summer garden is going well this year. We have tomatoes, basil, peppers, potatoes, zucchini, cucumbers, spaghetti squash, musk melon and butternut squash. Christopher is especially excited about the tiny, yellow pear tomatoes. There has been a ton of rain and the poppies were gorgeous and the roses are making a super recovery from the dry Winter!

The biggest recent good news is that there was a really fabulous fundraiser in New York! I sooo wish I could have been there. Not only was money raised to help in my fight to keep Christopher, but it sounds like it was a lot of fun too! I cannot thank and applaud Sabrina enough for her work on it. WOW is the best word to describe it.

So THANK YOUs are in order:
Sabrina
Annette
Morgan
Raven

Roze

Margaret

Amanda

Olivia

Coko

Ronda

Precious

Veve & Twiggy

M

Charles

Rita

TES

Deb

N

Velvet

Kim

And perhaps others whose names I don't yet have!

As I have said many times before... This is a dark time, but it is not without its bright, silver lining. I have been blessed with a lot of love and wonderful friendships in my life. And I have been astounded how many have written, have called, have donated money, have prayed, lit candles, and more!