Santa Fe visit August 7-10

After getting in a few hours at work, I headed South and picked Christopher up around 5pm. We ended up staying at school for another half an hour because his water bottle and lunchbox were both lost. Fortunately, much searching did find them!

Saturday, we were up early and off to Christopher's last soccer game. I hope I can post a picture of him in his uniform--too cute. But he doesn't seem to have much interest at all in soccer itself. Still, it's something he enjoys socially.

For dinner, we went to a fun place called the Body Cafe and we had the best veggie burger ever. Really! Christopher and I split a veggie burger, which was huge and a salad and we each had smoothies too. Really yummy. And we spent some time checking out all the Body Cafe has to offer--which is a lot more than food! Yoga, drop-in child care, clothing, massage and maybe more.

Sunday, we got up early and went for a hike. We did a bit of the Chamisa trail, but in the opposite direction of how we've done it in the past. Christopher was really scared by the grade and the slopes off the side of the trail. It wasn't dangerous, but he is experiencing a significant fear of heights recently. I have a bit of that myself! We took it slow and we talked a lot about being careful and about hiking safety. We had a breakfast pic-nic. And we didn't go too far either. Our pic-nic included the ever-favorite soy jerky and a new flavor of freeze-dried ice cream--cookies and cream sandwich. Going back down the trail seemed to feel a lot better for Christopher. When we finished our hike, we went in search of the cold stream we'd visited a few months ago. To our surprise, it had only been a Winter melt stream and was completely dry!

We met some other hikers and got to chatting about the hike and such. They wanted info on the Body Cafe and we gave them a serious thumbs up. One of the parents had cycled to their hike and we talked about that--and their bike trailer that is like Christopher's. Christopher was crazy about their son, Eli. After hanging out for about a half hour, we found out they live in Boulder! Christoph was so excited. He told them, "I live in Colorado too! You can come to my house." One of the parents plays in the orchestra for the Opera in Santa Fe so they were just there for the season. Fun stuff.

Then Christopher and I headed to the O'Keeffe Museum. We had brunch at the O'Keeffe Cafe. I got a mediocre fritatta, but Christopher chose wisely and had really fab blue corn pancakes, which he wanted me to taste. Yummy. Then we toured the museum. He loved it. We read the name of every work. In fact, Christoph has a favorite he saw and I'm trying to find him a print for his bedroom. It's harder to find O'Keeffe prints than you might think!

We had an early dinner at a place with computers and wi-fi and Christopher and I tried to learn a new Batman game after we had looked at some O'Keeffe work online. Then Christopher and Johnnie worked on Christopher's hiking staff. Christoph found it on a hike a few months back. I sawed off the little branches and padded the "handle." Now Johnnie is giving him some of Roadie's shedded lizard skin as a decoration. It's looking quite nice!

Monday morning I took Christopher to school with a big lunch, including tomatoes from our plants at home and an olive assortment from Whole Foods. He was excited about all he packed for lunch and snacks. But he got really sad and resisted going to school, staying at school. He said he wanted to come home with me. It's so hard to work against those arguments when I'd like nothing better. He asked if I didn't want him to come live in Colorado. I assured him that I do want that, but that this is the way it has to be right now. And I did my Santa Fe cheerleader bit. He seemed better by the time I left, but it wrecked me. I did a good job of holding it in until outside, though. That is sometime a battle, but it's hugely important.

Christopher is showing signs of wear and conflict. I think and hope, though, that Bevin and I will be able to agree to him seeing counselors in CO and NM. He needs some help dealing with all the emotion and confusion this situation necessarily brings up. It is sad to be talking about putting a 4 year old into therapy, but this is what we've done to him and we need to help him handle where he is as best as it can be handled.

Denver Visit July 24-27

Just to catch up, I'll post a bit about this weekend and come back to fill in more detail:

Friday was a big day of driving. I drove up on Thursday, but couldn't pick Christoph up until Friday morning. We left at a reasonable time and had a fun drive. We stopped to read all about El Huerfano, a point of geological interest. It's now our favorite part of the trip! And Christopher is pretty fascinated with homesteading from what we've read about the area. There is a detour into Walsenburg and, going through town, we found Christopher a brand new bike. It's a little bigger so is just perfect. We even got home in time for him to get in a little riding.

Saturday morning while out working in the garden, Christopher made two new friends, Zarius and Ronny, Jr. Later, he made another friend, Xavier. While playing poor little Ronny got stung by a yellow jacket. We put baking soda on it. He was a trooper.

On Sunday, we had a morning play date with Keller that was lots of fun. I may be able to even get some pictures from Kari for that!

Then we got a little dressed up and went to the Buell Theatre (Christopher's second time at the theatre, but he was quite young for the 1st one!) We went for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and it was just wonderful. Very well done. Immediately afterward, Christopher said he wanted to got meet the actors. He got some autographs and sang to a few of the actors, but didn't get to meet the children so was a little let down.

Monday morning we had a play date with Saffron at a really cool playground with a huge sea serpent sculpture. It emitted mists of water and was covered in paintings.

Then we had to get ready to hit the road. We didn't have time to stop to chat with El Huerfano, but gave him a greeting as we passed. As I took Christopher to Bevin's house and explained that I was about to drive back to Denver, Christopher asked, "Why are you leaving without me?" Inside, it was an unspeakable question with no answer, but outside I had to jump into my Santa Fe cheerleading. I sometime get so caught up in just enjoying every moment when I'm with Christopher that I can actually forget the big picture of exactly what's happening and how unnatural and wrong it is. Unfortunately, it hits like a ton of bricks once I have to leave him or when he says something like that...

I continue to hope, pray and live for the "one day..." when life will be set aright and I'll have my baby back home.

Computer Disaster

Since this is the main tool I use to keep up with so many friends, I need to give you an update of a different sort. My computer's hard drive had a sudden serious corruption. The Mac geniuses said that's pretty common that it come out of nowhere and there is no reason for it--it just happens (!)

Anyway, I may or may not recover ANY data and am pretty sad about it. Of course, it's absolutely my fault since I have no back-ups... And I do know that there is no good excuse for that failing. But, I now have almost no pictures--yes, I may have lost my pix of Christoph from birth to the present. I'm kicking myself nearly hourly for that one.

Other than that, I have lost all files, historical and current. I have lost my address book, my court documents, etc. And I have almost no Email addresses either. Additionally, I cannot now access any other Email account other than my gmail account (CHNsMom@gmail.com).

I apologize, but please, please send me your Email addresses and snail mail addresses. I am still trying to recover the data. I am getting "timemachine" and I am getting an external hard drive and I know I'm remiss for not having done so sooner but I'm doing it now!

So, my friends, if you are in a "putting out fires" mode like I have been, please don't let this go like I did. The fire from this is much too big, I promise! And if I can save some of you from repeating my mistake, YAY!

Comparison Fun

Here are some pix showing Christopher and me...fun and silly comparisons!

This was watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and eating popcorn.

Christopher was enjoying a dress from school and I found this old shot of me with my Grandma's dog, Penny...double take, huh?!

Christopher's July 10-13 visit in Santa Fe, NM

It was a really great visit! I drove down to Santa Fe in Jerry (thanks to John & Melissa and, BTW, that's the name Christopher gave their Jetta!) and got there around 1pm Friday. That gave me a bit of time to hang out with D'Marie before picking Christopher up from school. He was so excited to see me and told everyone proudly, "This is my mommy!"

Saturday, I took Christopher to a soccer game his team "the dinosaurs" had. It was so incredibly HOT and sunny. No shade at

all. Christopher didn't want to play much,

but I urged him to get out there a bit and I got a few pix. He mostly wanted to sit in my shadow "shade" and drink his water we brought.

After lunch, we did a little walking around downtown and found a toy car, a Volkswagen Beatle--HERBIE! It's not white, though. Actually it's covered in roses and sunflowers. But he picked it out and he loves it. Herbie, the love bug, is a huge favorite right now.

Then we went to the Cathedral Basilica and walked the labyrinth, which he was dying to do. I carried him in the Ergo for the long-ish walk and that is getting hard to do! Then we stopped by our favorite chocolate shop for some goodies. Sitting under a tree, I asked him, "What do you think; do you like Santa Fe?" He said, "You, I like." I almost cried. It was so sweet. Unexpected too. I had expected to have a discussion of what he liked and didn't like in town. He's just like that. He comes up with the most wonderful and touching things--just naturally and out of the blue.

Sunday, we hiked the Borrego Trail all the way to the stream. It was quite far for a 4 year old! I was amazed at his tenacity. We had snacks along the way several times and stopped at the stream for a long time, snacking and playing in the water.

Then on the way back, he said he was tired. He wanted me to carry him. I agreed to do so for a bit. He said, "Here's the deal. You carry me to the car and I'll walk into the car." I told him that I could only carry him for awhile, but then he'd have to walk some because he's getting too heavy for Mommy to carry for long distances--especially since I already had a pack on. He said ok, but promptly fell asleep! Yikes. It was about a mile back and was mostly uphill. I stopped to rest for a few minutes once and managed a picture of my passed out little man. So cute. So gone. I managed to get him in the car and then he woke up and was immediately Mr. Chatty!

We then had a great indulgence. We took a soak at 10,000 Waves. It is truly an oasis. One of these times I WILL get a photo of Christopher in his little kimono. The most I got was a shot of him kissing the little Buddha statue. He said that would make him "come alive." The koi ponds also hold his fascination. He loves to point out all the fish colors. And, during the foot soak, he prefers the lemon water, while I prefer the cucumber.

When I woke Christopher up for school Monday morning, the first thing he said was, "Is this our last day?" And started crying. Those are painful times, but I work hard to focus him on the positive and help him find things to look forward to in NM. What grief I feel is nothing compared to what overcomes me and pushes me to scramble to "make it better" somehow when he is sad.

Intervening Factors

I apologize for taking so long to post. There have been some very unfavorable rulings in the case and that has been both upsetting and confusing.

I have also been dealing with a good deal of harassment from Bevin. He is making threats regarding some of what I have written here. Everything I have written is true to the best of my knowledge and I hope Bevin can see that. I realize that I am incredibly emotional right now and perhaps I should not use the language I have at times. Still, my intent is not to harm Bevin's reputation. To clarify, my intent in this blog is to update my family and friends who are mostly long-distance as to how the custody battle is proceeding and how Christopher and I are coping through all of it.

Back to language:

The words "kidnapping" and "stealing" may be imprecise because what Bevin has done to Christopher is court-sanctioned, even if based on lies and prejudicial mud slinging. So his ripping Christopher away from his mommy and his home and all he knows in Colorado is, thus far, legal even if it feels criminal.

The word "fraud" that I have used with regard to the unauthorized charges Bevin placed on my credit cards may also be imprecise, but that will be up to a court to decide. In February of 2008, Bevin agreed to pay off the $20k balance by Summer 2008. A plain reading indicates that paying off that amount does not include putting on additional charges, especially not for personal expenses. Yet, Bevin did put such charges on my cards without my knowledge or approval. He says he knew it was wrong but had intended to pay it off before I discovered it. He was an authorized user on the cards because he had been put on them while we were partners and he needed to retain such authorization to deal directly with the companies for repayment. Obviously, it was still a costly, stupid blunder on my part. Bevin agreed this past April to aggressively pay down the credit card debt, but so far has only been willing to make minimum payments. I worry about it all the time, but I continue to hope Bevin will uphold this last agreement.

The Court has given Bevin nearly full control over Christopher's life and will likely be given even more at the final hearing. Therefore, at every turn, Bevin is able to threaten to take away communication; take away visitation. We agreed on several trips and Bevin has already chosen to make them very difficult for me. I get bitter. I get angry. Mostly I just cry. This is not the life I wanted for my son. He deserves so much better.

But I also have to say that I am willing to work within this framework. I am willing to do whatever I have to do to see my baby. I will drive 12 hours in one day. I will spend money I don't really have on travel costs. Whatever it takes, I will do it. And I am grateful that Bevin has not taken away everything. There are moments of perhaps compassion. Bevin has not taken away Christopher's trip to Florida to see his grandparents in August. Christopher is excited to see family, the beaches and Disney. His grandparents, Unlces, Aunts and cousins are just excited to see him!

I don't know Bevin anymore and that's really ok. I remain very grateful that he is willing to allow Christopher to enjoy some time with his mama who loves and misses him with all she is. I don't hope that Bevin feels sorry for me. I only hope he thinks enough of his mother to understand that Christopher needs me. Maybe that means I'm groveling. So be it. Whatever I have to do for Christopher is well worth it. So thank you, Bevin, for what you do allow. I appreciate each and every golden moment I have with Christopher. Christopher is the most beautiful soul I have ever met and I am indeed blessed.

4th of July

Happy 4th! How odd that we celebrate the beginning of our country which came by war ("rocket's red glare, bombs bursting in air...") with something of a reenactment. If you close your eyes, it does sound like a war zone!

Went to a family/community BBQ and saw friends; got some nice hugs. Watched fireworks from the back of the Blazer (the car Christopher calls, Basil). Kept thinking about how he likes the way fireworks look, but finds the sounds frightening. We had a great New Year's display that he enjoyed in downtown Denver. It was early and short and we brought blankets and yummy hot chocolate. Last night was warmer (though not a lot!) and later. And the fireworks were ok, but felt lacking. Missed him a lot last night.