Computer Disaster

Since this is the main tool I use to keep up with so many friends, I need to give you an update of a different sort. My computer's hard drive had a sudden serious corruption. The Mac geniuses said that's pretty common that it come out of nowhere and there is no reason for it--it just happens (!)

Anyway, I may or may not recover ANY data and am pretty sad about it. Of course, it's absolutely my fault since I have no back-ups... And I do know that there is no good excuse for that failing. But, I now have almost no pictures--yes, I may have lost my pix of Christoph from birth to the present. I'm kicking myself nearly hourly for that one.

Other than that, I have lost all files, historical and current. I have lost my address book, my court documents, etc. And I have almost no Email addresses either. Additionally, I cannot now access any other Email account other than my gmail account (CHNsMom@gmail.com).

I apologize, but please, please send me your Email addresses and snail mail addresses. I am still trying to recover the data. I am getting "timemachine" and I am getting an external hard drive and I know I'm remiss for not having done so sooner but I'm doing it now!

So, my friends, if you are in a "putting out fires" mode like I have been, please don't let this go like I did. The fire from this is much too big, I promise! And if I can save some of you from repeating my mistake, YAY!

Comparison Fun

Here are some pix showing Christopher and me...fun and silly comparisons!

This was watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and eating popcorn.

Christopher was enjoying a dress from school and I found this old shot of me with my Grandma's dog, Penny...double take, huh?!

Christopher's July 10-13 visit in Santa Fe, NM

It was a really great visit! I drove down to Santa Fe in Jerry (thanks to John & Melissa and, BTW, that's the name Christopher gave their Jetta!) and got there around 1pm Friday. That gave me a bit of time to hang out with D'Marie before picking Christopher up from school. He was so excited to see me and told everyone proudly, "This is my mommy!"

Saturday, I took Christopher to a soccer game his team "the dinosaurs" had. It was so incredibly HOT and sunny. No shade at

all. Christopher didn't want to play much,

but I urged him to get out there a bit and I got a few pix. He mostly wanted to sit in my shadow "shade" and drink his water we brought.

After lunch, we did a little walking around downtown and found a toy car, a Volkswagen Beatle--HERBIE! It's not white, though. Actually it's covered in roses and sunflowers. But he picked it out and he loves it. Herbie, the love bug, is a huge favorite right now.

Then we went to the Cathedral Basilica and walked the labyrinth, which he was dying to do. I carried him in the Ergo for the long-ish walk and that is getting hard to do! Then we stopped by our favorite chocolate shop for some goodies. Sitting under a tree, I asked him, "What do you think; do you like Santa Fe?" He said, "You, I like." I almost cried. It was so sweet. Unexpected too. I had expected to have a discussion of what he liked and didn't like in town. He's just like that. He comes up with the most wonderful and touching things--just naturally and out of the blue.

Sunday, we hiked the Borrego Trail all the way to the stream. It was quite far for a 4 year old! I was amazed at his tenacity. We had snacks along the way several times and stopped at the stream for a long time, snacking and playing in the water.

Then on the way back, he said he was tired. He wanted me to carry him. I agreed to do so for a bit. He said, "Here's the deal. You carry me to the car and I'll walk into the car." I told him that I could only carry him for awhile, but then he'd have to walk some because he's getting too heavy for Mommy to carry for long distances--especially since I already had a pack on. He said ok, but promptly fell asleep! Yikes. It was about a mile back and was mostly uphill. I stopped to rest for a few minutes once and managed a picture of my passed out little man. So cute. So gone. I managed to get him in the car and then he woke up and was immediately Mr. Chatty!

We then had a great indulgence. We took a soak at 10,000 Waves. It is truly an oasis. One of these times I WILL get a photo of Christopher in his little kimono. The most I got was a shot of him kissing the little Buddha statue. He said that would make him "come alive." The koi ponds also hold his fascination. He loves to point out all the fish colors. And, during the foot soak, he prefers the lemon water, while I prefer the cucumber.

When I woke Christopher up for school Monday morning, the first thing he said was, "Is this our last day?" And started crying. Those are painful times, but I work hard to focus him on the positive and help him find things to look forward to in NM. What grief I feel is nothing compared to what overcomes me and pushes me to scramble to "make it better" somehow when he is sad.

Intervening Factors

I apologize for taking so long to post. There have been some very unfavorable rulings in the case and that has been both upsetting and confusing.

I have also been dealing with a good deal of harassment from Bevin. He is making threats regarding some of what I have written here. Everything I have written is true to the best of my knowledge and I hope Bevin can see that. I realize that I am incredibly emotional right now and perhaps I should not use the language I have at times. Still, my intent is not to harm Bevin's reputation. To clarify, my intent in this blog is to update my family and friends who are mostly long-distance as to how the custody battle is proceeding and how Christopher and I are coping through all of it.

Back to language:

The words "kidnapping" and "stealing" may be imprecise because what Bevin has done to Christopher is court-sanctioned, even if based on lies and prejudicial mud slinging. So his ripping Christopher away from his mommy and his home and all he knows in Colorado is, thus far, legal even if it feels criminal.

The word "fraud" that I have used with regard to the unauthorized charges Bevin placed on my credit cards may also be imprecise, but that will be up to a court to decide. In February of 2008, Bevin agreed to pay off the $20k balance by Summer 2008. A plain reading indicates that paying off that amount does not include putting on additional charges, especially not for personal expenses. Yet, Bevin did put such charges on my cards without my knowledge or approval. He says he knew it was wrong but had intended to pay it off before I discovered it. He was an authorized user on the cards because he had been put on them while we were partners and he needed to retain such authorization to deal directly with the companies for repayment. Obviously, it was still a costly, stupid blunder on my part. Bevin agreed this past April to aggressively pay down the credit card debt, but so far has only been willing to make minimum payments. I worry about it all the time, but I continue to hope Bevin will uphold this last agreement.

The Court has given Bevin nearly full control over Christopher's life and will likely be given even more at the final hearing. Therefore, at every turn, Bevin is able to threaten to take away communication; take away visitation. We agreed on several trips and Bevin has already chosen to make them very difficult for me. I get bitter. I get angry. Mostly I just cry. This is not the life I wanted for my son. He deserves so much better.

But I also have to say that I am willing to work within this framework. I am willing to do whatever I have to do to see my baby. I will drive 12 hours in one day. I will spend money I don't really have on travel costs. Whatever it takes, I will do it. And I am grateful that Bevin has not taken away everything. There are moments of perhaps compassion. Bevin has not taken away Christopher's trip to Florida to see his grandparents in August. Christopher is excited to see family, the beaches and Disney. His grandparents, Unlces, Aunts and cousins are just excited to see him!

I don't know Bevin anymore and that's really ok. I remain very grateful that he is willing to allow Christopher to enjoy some time with his mama who loves and misses him with all she is. I don't hope that Bevin feels sorry for me. I only hope he thinks enough of his mother to understand that Christopher needs me. Maybe that means I'm groveling. So be it. Whatever I have to do for Christopher is well worth it. So thank you, Bevin, for what you do allow. I appreciate each and every golden moment I have with Christopher. Christopher is the most beautiful soul I have ever met and I am indeed blessed.

4th of July

Happy 4th! How odd that we celebrate the beginning of our country which came by war ("rocket's red glare, bombs bursting in air...") with something of a reenactment. If you close your eyes, it does sound like a war zone!

Went to a family/community BBQ and saw friends; got some nice hugs. Watched fireworks from the back of the Blazer (the car Christopher calls, Basil). Kept thinking about how he likes the way fireworks look, but finds the sounds frightening. We had a great New Year's display that he enjoyed in downtown Denver. It was early and short and we brought blankets and yummy hot chocolate. Last night was warmer (though not a lot!) and later. And the fireworks were ok, but felt lacking. Missed him a lot last night.

As a parting gift

On Monday, Bevin told me that in retribution for me writing to his father, that he had sent a letter to my parents with pornographic photos of me and other sundry graphic information.

How can I continue to be shocked by him? He has stolen my son. He is trying to ruin me financially by fraudulently running up my credit cards and defaulting on the mortgage so I lose my home and all my down payment money. Now he's trying to take my family away--my loving family that accepted him even when his own family turned their back on him. Classy.

I did write to his father. I have tried every avenue I can think of to get anyone and everyone to see the the wrong of the situation. Bevin's family was never friendly toward me. Bygones. I hoped for the best for all of them and still do. I hope the entire family is reunited one day. I said that to his father. I most certainly said nothing untoward to his father. I only ask that since they have never wanted me, why do they want my son? Why can't they all just help Bevin move on and leave my son out of his revenge. Just let Christopher come home. This is unnatural and wrong and it's hurting an innocent child.

End of June visit details...

Christoph arrived tired, dirty and with some super stinky feet! The first thing we did was wash those feet AND shoes...well, after some hugs and squeezes and kisses! Oh, so good to get to hold my boy!

Thursday, Christopher and Gwen finished the bat house they built last time by painting it black to attract warm sunshine which the bats apparently love. Later we did some shopping, including some mall play time with about 50 kids! The thing Christopher wanted the most was a double jogging stroller so I could push him and Saffron--now THAT would be a work-out! Christopher got to open a huge, belated birthday present--a Harley Davidson scooter from Uncle Skip! He loves it and it makes all sorts of cool noises and has flashing lights. And he loves the box!

Friday morning, Christoph had a long play date with Saffron at the end of which I was told he could never leave! He fell asleep on the way home and napped for about an hour at home! In the late afternoon, he had another play date, this time with Keller. They gave Blasto a run for his money. And in the evening, Christopher got to Skype with Papa Tim, just before Papa Tim's birthday--hope he likes his b'day card half as much as Christopher did!

Saturday was adventure day. We got up, had poached eggs and then headed to the Argo Mine for a tour, including going in a real gold mine and gold mill, followed by panning for gold and gemstones. Hammy just adores his gemstones--he may be even more of a rockhound than me! Then we had BBQ lunch in Evergreen with apple fritters for dessert. And on to Idaho Springs Hot Springs, which was so, so, so much fun! We didn't want to leave. But we had to get home as Grandma Mo was coming over for dinner and a sleep-over!

Sunday started with blueberry pancakes with G'Mo and lots of play time in the back yard, including some scooter fun. Then we headed over to Shannon's birthday party. It was a fab crowd. Christopher got to deal with some new situations. It was difficult sharing Saffron and being told that she didn't want to play with him, but he came back from tears several times. And had a chance to play with some boys, including showcasing his not-quite-there catching ability and very-there (!) throwing ability with a baseball. And, in the end, he certainly had a good bit of play with Saffron too.

Monday, we headed out for a short hike around a local wetland/watershed area. It was crazy hot. We drank lots of water and ate our snacks. We got to see a red-winged black bird and some ducks--not sure what kind. Last we were there, we saw deer, but not this time. We also read a bit about the importance of the yucca plant--historically and currently. We came home, showered and got ready to head to see Dr. Dean, Christopher's pediatrician. Christoph is at 60th percentile for both height/weight and got 20/20 on the eye exam. He had little to report himself except that some kids at his new school are mean to him. All in all, his health was deemed great--thanks, Dr. Dean!

Then he had to go with Bevin. He did well. I got some super, tight hugs and gave him a little pep talk. I held it together until he was safely in the car and then cried and cursed my way to work. One day this WILL turn around! It has to!